Absence of Fear

Here I am again in this moment. Always this moment, and everything seems to slow right down and extend out. A seamless merging of inside and outside. My heart is at peace here.

Will I allow this peace to settle and stabilise? let’s see.

“When I asked God for strength, He gave me difficult situations to face.” Anon.

The mind wanders off as I make tea. Oh there it goes. I bring the attention back to this moment. Right now. What’s happening? The washing machine is whirring, the water sounds in the pipes. An itch on the back. Occasional car passing.

Then I find I’m stripping the bed. I notice I slip into a habitual rushing of this….I don’t rush this time. I feel the texture, and the weight as I take the covers to the washing machine.

What is this peace? The relative absence of fear I think. Wow. How did this happen….just by being in the present, and devoting more agency to being here and now as a dwelling place….quite a bit of devotion, a sprinkling of trust , a touch of self kindness and an allowance of feelings and breathing properly.

I’ve been using some abstract wise prompts on the AI art generator in bed this morning.

The voice of the divine is everywhere . . . ‎listen ‎in Silence.” That phrase was from an anonymous twitter user I follow.

Yesterday I floated through. The lawyers meeting for a friend, she was in the condition I’ve so often been in, burdened and anxious. Then a mostly solitary day. There’s text chat with current client about her water lilies. There was the sitting by a stream in front of a loved oak tree in the sun. Stopped and drank in the beauty of a waterfall cascading, then home. Dog happy, me too.

Resting and finishing the drawing, communicating with the cad technicians about it. It’s a beast of a job, will be stunning if it proceeds. I’m meeting the client on Monday, hopefully with drawings. I asked a lot of the cad technicians. Funny to call them that, both are sublimely beautiful powerful talented wise beings. It’s on a slope so much earth removal and terracing required.

Then a second walk after 6pm, through the park to the allotment. A neighbour shouts me over and we go together and have a cup of tea and biscuit on the deck and a chat. It’s pleasant and relaxed. She is withdrawing cold turkey from antidepressants and so undergoing an experience of that. I don’t recommend that to my therapy clients so I’m cautious in response. Unknown territory for me, and I hear that tapering is less painful. I share a self kindness tool, maybe it’s useful.

My son strikes up a chat last night. It’s a good and deep talk. An opening up perhaps….I am mindful not to advise and to listen more.

Today I am here and now. I’m busy answering questions about this drawing. And later in the now (lol) I will see another prospective client. Then the day is wide open and free.

Love, appreciation, gentleness comes easily in this state I notice.

What a contrast to when I’m taken over by anxiety and fearfulness. That painful contraction inside, the tightness, the shutting down of the senses, unable to connect with much.

I go out for a short walk with the dog and the beauty seems to find me without me looking in this open and receptive state.

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