Here I am, in this moment. Feeling the surges of energy at they arise and subside. The temptation to collapse into fear, a voice whispers that I need the worry thoughts to stay safe. They skirt around the perimeter looking for a way in. They make up viable scary proposals of life going wrong, that sound as convincing as possible.
All I have to do is to believe one of them, and I’m back in fear. “One more week and still no work lined up, you should surely be freaking out by now”.
I say “not right now, and thanks for the input”. I breathe.
The thought knocks at the door, I let it in and show it straight out through the back door. No inviting it to tea. I don’t have to believe it, just notice and let go.
No point in destroying the present with a fear of something that hasn’t happened and so isn’t real. I’m going to be present to each moment and let life unfold as it does. And I will be there for myself with kindness in this moment, through it all. And meantime I take action in calmness to line the work up in time. No need for worry as a motivator.
This is all there is. This moment right now. This is it. It’s all there ever is and was. This is the entire totality of my existence in this moment. The energy of it is so intense. Just ‘being’ here. Just feeling presence. There’s a wholeness an expansiveness.
I watch the end of the Picard Star Trek series in bed this morning from 5am. Such parallels with society. The Next Generation series always had poignant messages which meant a lot to me in the 80s, the thread of truth was being kept alive by a few.
In this series the young people have been assimilated by the Borg to exist within their collective hive mind. The reward for that is no more loneliness or fear and a full sense of belonging. It’s the job of the older ones to save the day.
In this moment all is well. It’s warm and comfy and I’m enjoying the challenge of staying present to see what happens.
The men have been paid. The sun is shining again. Two cad technicians mobilised to have drawings ready for my client meeting on Monday. Aware I’m asking a lot of them, let’s see how it goes. I’ve a meeting this morning to sign a document for a friend at a lawyers. Then what, I don’t know…freedom. And practise practise practise…..here and now.
Yesterday was a therapy client then 3 hours in the park chatting and walking with P. A lie down in the deep layer of woodland leaves was beautiful looking up at the trees. Then back here a little more on the drawing then another therapy client. Asleep by 8.30pm. All good.