I’m listening to Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s Open to Feelings 13 minute guided meditation. Must be over 40 times I’ve watched that now. I find that repetition is the way to interrupt the ingrained patterns. I feel a lot lot better after I do this exercise with him, I do it twice.
Drop into the body and locate the physically felt sensation of the emotion. It’s almost always some flavour of fear.
After identifying, it’s hands off, let go, allow. Just suffer a bit, it won’t harm me.
Reduced anxiety to a level within which I can function. And the bandwidth opens up and I feel fully again. Love can breathe. Even if it’s uncomfortable feelings.
I awake at 3am and there’s immediately raised anxiety and thoughts turn to my son. He’d been in contact late last night for the first time in weeks, said he was ‘pretty depressed, the usual’. Trigger point. Mother concern. I don’t say much, the signals are blurred. Receptivity doesn’t seem present. Don’t want to advise or push for anything…just respect his decisions, his path through life. I’m here for him anytime.
It doesn’t really matter what is going on around, my job is to meet it and be honestly in the direct felt experience moment to moment. There’s sadness and I feel that.
Out early to the work site yesterday, long drive and a few enjoyable hours laying out the plants with the men and the client. A few additions of work too, extending the project a bit further, though reduced income this week.
Crunch time coming financially. I test myself to fear with a thought like that. It is true and yet its not happening now so it isn’t real in this moment. It’s part of the field of possibilities arranging themselves out there in ways I can’t predict. All I can do it be there for myself experientially as I go.
Then a small walk in the woods along a deer trail. I lay down with the dog beside me and curl up into the earth for a while, just being. It’s calm here and windy high up in the trees. Watching trees sway in the wind, the uncurling ferns, bird song….in the senses. Feeling all of it physically, I am the tree swaying. Precious magical moments. Pure joy of communion.
My energy then stalled and crashed in the afternoon. Flat, no motivation and not feeling very well. Not much progress on the design. Eating habits are very odd. Yogurt a lot of, a banana, bite of cheese, bread and butter, some seaweed and a tiny bit of salmon yesterday. Hard to find anything the body wants to eat. Chocolate peanuts on the drive yesterday. Protein at least.
Last night an unexpectedly poignant and intimate interaction with my 2 therapist buddies online. I was able to speak a little about the process of being here and now, the anxiety, dropping into feelings, self compassion. He opens up too. She doesn’t much.
It’s another sunny day. This is so unusual and a welcome treat of so much light and warmth. Place is going green fast now.
And from the anonymous tweeter I follow….
‘The lotus naturally wants to open up.
But it is afraid
Once it has experience for itself that it is safe to open up, it will open up forever
The sun is always shining’