Intimacy with the Now

The single act of choosing to be in the present moment has profound effects. I notice a big resistance to it. Some part of me is afraid of that level of intimacy with life. The effects are transformative. And I’m realising how little time I have spent there normally.

Dropping into the feelings as felt in the body often. Staying present often. Being kind often.

I find myself at an enormous house with a half acre garden yesterday with clients giving me a large initial budget and keen to progress their project. They plan an outdoor gym and I see that would look terrible in their space….an extension would be better and I tell them, and make suggestions.

They agree and then all of a sudden I no longer have a garden job, as the extension has to be done first. I actually talked them and myself out a project! It’s just the best solution that they didn’t see. Oh. Interesting. That’s 2 big jobs I’ve been on the verge of getting and life has had a different plan. Life may just be playing brinkmanship with me this week, as the time gets closer.

Then I’m meeting N’s wife M. We are in the Allotment in the park for the afternoon. We can really communicate. I find myself going deep into a saga in the distant past. I knew her back then in South Africa for a while. Some trauma in there, and I’m a little tearful recounting the loss of my week old baby. That surprises me. I thought I had run out of tears there, I had so many. Quite a lot for her to hear too. Maybe some old energy wanting to be healed. Then we have a walk, bump into some people. It’s a beautiful day.

Back after 6. And a short evening. I’m feeling a little low, sad. I trust that foray into history was somehow needed. Sad about the effect of my absence on Tobie. He’s been ‘abandoned’ a couple of times.

Good sleep. Didn’t feel irritated by the noises from upstairs. Just noticed and nothing….largely indifference, that’s good.

Here in a new day. A lot happening. Therapy client then a current design client to visit and progress that design. A plant order to prepare and submit. And tonight my monthly therapy pals gathering on Zoom.

In this moment I am feeling relaxed and a quite tired and a week to go before there’s no work. One more payment left. More curious at this point to see what the perfectly designed choreography of life has in store, than worrying. I’m fully inside my lived experience and at the same watching with interest. Not dissociation I hope.

I have surrendered up control and also I’m doing what I can here to get some work in and taking what action possible. Let the chips fall where they may.

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