Miraculously I did find a place of peace inside yesterday. I thought I was going to melt with all that anxiety and stress I was experiencing as I laid out and faced some fears here yesterday.
Saw a therapy client then a potential new garden client. Then on the way to see the current project I listened to the latest audiobook by Tsoknyi Rinpoche and Daniel Goleman. He talked me into facing the ‘beautiful monsters’, the uncomfortable feelings inside, with friendliness and acceptance. It took a lot of focus and concentration and willingness. Pain has a way of helping with that. Motivating. I had a full hour of doing that without distraction.
I followed his instructions and breathed from low down, and I dropped into the bodily felt sensation of my feelings over and over and over in a friendly accepting way.
It took some perseverance as the feelings felt stuck and it still seems quite an alien action to turn towards instead of away from pain. I had to release a couple of times too as the pain was too much, then go back in. That happened a few times. By doing that I must have reduced the resistance to what I was experiencing by a lot.
In a subtle and barely perceptible way, the anxiety then seemed to dissipate. I found without the tightness and fear.
Somehow doing that generated a lot of power, or high energy. So when I got to the project and spoke to the men and the client, everything came out of my mouth nearly perfectly and spontaneously. Without avoidance or fear I found I was in tune with the Force. Calm clarity. An hour chatting deep matters with the client.
Not really my words. An experience that I don’t exist, when I step aside and allow that. When ‘self concern’ is absent that what happens is a clarity of thinking and speaking. That’s what occurs with my therapy clients. I am barely there. It’s a marvellous experience when words just come out like that, it’s a flow state.
I told M that the next job was cancelled and we chatted about that. A warning of what may come should life go that way. 2 of the men hadn’t turned up which was oddly fitting. The choreography.
An idea occurred on the drive. A missed call from a businessman I know. Sell the business even just for the price of the debts to allow me to walk away without further drama. A possible new way forward and I can think of a couple of potential buyers. It is as if by magic that ideas and doors open when we change our inner state.
Examining the fears close up here earlier helped. That was a hard post to write yesterday. I was is in an agony of worry. Those fears had been sneaking around in the shadows popping up regularly in thought and then being avoided or squashed down by me in fright. Almost feels too much at times.
Acceptance and courage. Then drove back to the park and listened again. More help and assistance, thank you, thank you. Not a good match with N and E and M who I met, it was okay but I had gone deep inside by then.
This morning I feel afraid again. The thoughts are scary ones. Of impending consequential pricing work, of bills, of uncertainty….
The new new therapy client just cancelled and then another potential garden client, and another potential therapy client this afternoon. In between a walk and some work. A plant order and some update to the current garden costing. She asked about that yesterday.
There are challenges and further tests ahead, and I know what to do inside to use it to generate love and compassion towards myself. Already a supplier asked this morning why I reduced payments and I replied. Cash flow issues, temporary. Going to the toilet a lot the last couple of days, digestion upset. Lot of stress provoking happenings.
The mind is racing again a bit. I need to dive back in today to my feelings and work with them. If I did it yesterday I can do it again today. Face the feelings that want to be heard and released.
I stand in front of myself in the mirror and say that I love you to myself. I put a hand on my chest and feel the loving kindness.