Tension Building

Out the door at 7am with the dog for a short walk. Awake at 4Am. Today too anxious to be present fully. Keep getting lost in future worry thoughts. Between the cacophony upstairs at regular intervals through the night, my son on my mind, and the no work in sight, I’m buckling with the stress regularly. Not eating much.

Holding it together much of the time though using the tools I’ve learned. Watching my thoughts carefully through the early hours and not allowing the odd worry one turn into a big long disaster movie in my head. The earplugs slip out and I get awoken by the neighbours at times, though less so thankfully.

Whenever I awake I resume the relaxing talk on YouTube that I fell asleep to. Was listening to supporting meditative material and the Tsoknyi Rinpoche interview again this morning, and also the nun reading out the Garab Dorje material.

Doing the dropping into feelings exercises and breathing. Sending loving kindness to myself and supportive self talk.

I see the circumstances are all perfectly choreographed to press my trigger points of fears and irritation. This is how I learn to address this stuff. How we all do. Life has a way of finding those buttons to press.

Son. Neighbour noise. The business. Aware it’s a lot.

I know it is an opportunity, I see that, even though it’s painful and reactiveness is being stimulated. I’m concerned about my son and his addiction to adhd meds and alcohol and depression/burn out and no job and direction situation. His gf too, really hope she’s good for him. He doesn’t want to chat and I have to respect that. Nothing I can do anyway. He has enough money to live on for a while. Have to trust.

Doing what I can practically, business wise, and have a potential new garden client to see this morning. And another potential new one on Friday. I have been neglecting that as I don’t really enjoy it any more. So yes, I am responsible. Not a victim of circumstances, but my behaviour is the cause.

Yes, been here so many many times. Even though this pain is being generated by my fearful mind, practically speaking I have to be realistic. Maybe I need to look at this closer. These fears. What will happen in the worst case scenario?

Unless something lands on my lap, I am a week or so away from the guys being told there’s no work and no money happening, and then what. They go and find other jobs then when I do have work I don’t have a team and then can’t pay the outstanding hmrc bills. And they will come looking and demanding at some point.

What’s the worse case scenario? The men get other jobs, they will be fine. I’m not worried about them but I do feel for them as they are given the news, it will be a painful shock. They will move on and get over it though and it will one day be in their past history.

The company is liquidated, and what next…..nothing. It’s gone. I up my effort to advertise for therapy clients and get some more so I can pay the bills.

I won’t lose my house but my credit rating would be damaged. No further option of borrowing anything. That’s okay. Maybe that’s how this ends. And acceptance of that is here and growing as I look these scary monsters in the face. I won’t die. Feels like it at times.

Yet yes it is indeed true this in this moment everything is perfect. We have work today, and an income this week and next week, the client just gave us another week’s worth. The temperature is pleasant in this room, the seat is comfy, my body is well and functioning. I can breathe. Dog is happy.

It’s been full on with the devotion to spiritual awakening. Pain helps with that. Last night was our Eckhart Tolle book club. It was potent. We took turns reading from The Power of Now and then did some deep sharing of our own process in relation to what was read. Was fun. Life goes on fine in reality.

There much that for which I’m grateful, my son, my family and friends, good health, nice surroundings, park nearby, enough money, a new business I’m enjoying and that benefits others. I got some lovely feedback yesterday from a client who said it was thanks to me he could look at his fears and deal with them. Also got some positive feedback from a man I talk to in the park who told a friend I really helped him though hard times.

Life does carry on here. I’ve got a therapy client, then a new garden client, then Edinburgh to see client and men and then a walk with E the park today. I have a garden to design too. I keep forgetting about it, because I’m not feeling like it. Says a lot. It’s because my immediate needs I’m focussed on. That’s not to be built for months.

The iChing says “Wander in the unfathomable and identify with the infinite.”

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