Gnarly Knots

8am. I’m amazed at the perfect choreography of it all, how well designed it is for my individual resistances.

In bed listening to Garab Dorje. So spot on. And Eckhart Tolle on and off all night. Then another Tsoknyi Rinpoche interview, also amazing. Such riches of guidance and wisdom available all around us.

I know each submergence in such material brings the knots to attention. Set a goal of freedom for yourself and then everything standing in the way arrives for addressing, simple as that.

Feeling the tension of the letting go, the pull of the conditioning calling and the dissolution of that at the same time, and the mighty pull of the silence and peace beyond my mental comprehension, yet can feel. What a drama playing out in this human.

Then a shower and holding the tension, breathing….saying thank you to my body, going from a thank you to the toes and even the toenails for protecting them, to the ankles and calves and knees….and so on up the body. I catch myself rushing doing my hair, I slow and notice the actual process of being in doing the hair.

Long 4 hours at the nursery yesterday with the client choosing plants and I was tested….it was so hard….not my usual way of choosing. Had imagined we would blend so well, but no. Discussing it this morning with her already. Working very hard. She brought me an Easter carrot as a gift which was kind.

Going to see a potential whole new project this morning shortly. Nothing much else except a walk with the dog.

Testing happening on several fronts at once just now. Good good. Welcome to the testing and thank you to it. Even though it hurts I know it’s the way forward to dissolve the gnarly knots.

1.30pm now. Back from the allotment. Planted a geranium, fed the birds and did some weeding. No joy being experienced right now. A little relief in the wisdom teachings. Listened to Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s book. Feeling a bit hollow or something. Empty in a lonely kind of way. Tried to organise some company but everyone busy elsewhere.

Went to see the potential new client earlier and even though we had agreed the budget which was followed by an email, to which he agreed, when I arrived he had changed his mind and presented an impossible situation. So a ‘no thank you’ and off I went. It was wasted time but not really, it’s all good for something. An omen perhaps. That’s two large full projects I have designed and priced this year already and been turned down by the client. A lot of work and effort.

Travelled over the countryside to the plant nursery again, feeling uncomfortable about the planting so needed to resolve that. Planting delayed till next week as she added more work. Good for us and keeps us going for a while longer. Still nothing on the horizon for the next project.

Back here and now what. Some more Rinpoche I think. Have a therapy client in 2 hours, and an Eckhart Tolle book club for an hour after that.

I’m being taught to find peace and remain there whatever the circumstances. So circumstances have to not go the way I want them to, for me to learn this lesson. I have to find peace within adversity. Sorrow is a doorway. Disintegration to regeneration is at work.

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