For as long as I can remember, fearlessness has been my goal. This is what happens. All the fears come up to be addressed first. We can’t have fearlessness until the fears are let go of and seen for the phantoms that they are.
I remember Marc Leavitt congratulating me heartily when I was communicating about the fearful anguished state I was in when talking to him a couple of years ago. He said it was a wonderful gift and an opportunity to be grateful for.
I notice that when I awake there’s just awareness and ease, for a minute or two before I remember about worries.
There’s a part of me in the background unaffected by all this, even though the personality part goes into fear. I notice that I can watch it all and experience it fully at the same time sometimes.
And sometimes I go into greater presence and acceptance. Then I go back into forgetting and return into fear. I’ve experienced being right in it and transcending it. Feeling absolutely balanced and fine with no change in circumstances. That’s the prize. That feels amazing and expansive. So I know it’s a choice. It is possible.
I realise that looking back on this whole situation I’ll recognise what an opportunity it was to help me choose. I’ll feel grateful.
I’ll say, ‘yes that whole situation was so useful to get me to free myself and take the necessary action’
This is a level of suffering that only comes round once in a while.
So why not appreciate the great opportunity that is in my lap right now?
What what.
As I lie there I remember that I can welcome this opportunity. Welcome to the hell realm. Then I thank the suffering for helping to show me where I need to let go and trust more. I turn towards the constrictions in the body. The fears. That’s a knot in my solar plexus area. A tight throat. And breathe.
After I notice where the fear is and I also notice jealousy. That surprises me as showing up as a sensation over the tummy.
It immediately changes and lessons in intensity. As I change my attitude from
‘I don’t want this’
to ‘this is what is happening right now, be with it as it is.’
Ah all this pain is really just a big resistance-to-what-is-happening soup. What’s the point in that if that if that’s simply what’s happening.
New solutions appear when the bandwidth isn’t crowded with fear. At 5am it occurs to me to move room and I go to the sofa in the living room. No noise. Could be a quieter location to sleep. Might try it tonight. Then I reply to 2 new garden enquiries, that aren’t exactly ideal but could tide us over.
Getting with it.
P coming over this morning and maybe a trip to the countryside. Cup of tea, fire on beside me, dog walked. All safe and well in this moment.
Learning to Rest with it All 