Riding Highs and Lows

The frosty fresh air and unique smells and energies of the early morning hit me in my face and it’s sunny. I send love to another block of flats. Bin men have been and I pick up some litter left behind along the way, and feel virtuous.

Notice a passing thought, I hope somebody notices and thinks better of me for it.

Still looking for approval….awww lol that’s cute. That part is on automatic pilot for approval opportunities.

Hello insecure approval seeking part, I approve of you, I love you, it’s okay. You’re just fine.

Surprisingly jolly evening at my mums with uncle and his wife, much singing together and laughter and fun chat.

Meeting with garden client went very well, job going ahead. Relieved.

After. All. That. Agony.

Oh the fears, uncertainty and catastrophising that this was the end.

Again. Well it’s not wasted, each time I look at the worst that can happen a little more fully, face the scary imagined worst. And importantly develop a greater willingness to let go let go let goooooo.

Was a non stop day altogether, ordering water lilies and soil and arranging this and that. Taking a call from a prospective new garden client, and setting up a meeting. Then hours of prepping for the big meeting. Business. Then a counselling client and straight to my mum’s right after.

Today I feel a bit rough, broken sleep again with the noises upstairs. Got a counselling client first. Have just paid the guys.

Just read my emails while writing this. There’s one from last night’s customer who gave me the go ahead after our meeting.

They have changed their minds and said no!!


Relief to the instant chill of fear.

What a test. Back to uncertainty again. No job for the men to go to in 2 weeks.

Oh jeezo.

Drop into that fear right now. Breathe. Constricted throat sensation. Tightness. Breathe. Feel it. Be with it. Hello terrified part. I feel you. I hear you. Yes, all this insecurity in life, it’s hard.

Let go. Trust. Allow what wants to happen to emerge.

I watch the mind as it tries to go into what did I do or say wrong that changed their minds. I just watch, I’m not going there. I put the work in and tried as best I could to secure the contract.

Kind of the grief process, denial to bargaining to acceptance. what happens next? I did the IChing and got Conflict to Oppression. Oh it’s so wise and spot on.

The greatest thing Kùn presents is that while you may feel weak within, it is exactly those Oppressive situations that unleash your inner strength. Real strength cannot be exhausted because it is not dependent on external conditions. Allow this time of Oppression to reveal the abundance within you.”

Okay then.

That site also has a great blog page full of wisdom. Mentions AI and consciousness in this one.

Well a counselling client is next for me today and I will be taken into a whole different place of another’s inner world and journey towards healing. Men have been paid. The current garden continues towards completion.

A very successful counsellor friend just replied to me this second with a date to meet next week. Timing noted. A sign perhaps.

Feeling the feelings though. There’s sadness and fear and also the overall sense of calmness that all will be okay. I know I will be. I have no idea how exactly but I know I will look back at this time once the dust has settled and see how I was guided, and how it was useful, even though it hurts right now.

Yesterday I went to see if the quite rare Toothwort had come out and to my delight it has. It’s a parasitic plant that lives off the roots of trees and has no chlorophyll.

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