The Choice

I talk kindly to myself. Here we are in this moment. Breathing in and out from the belly. Notice the sensation of the weight of the body on feet and buttocks, be aware of the temperature on the skin. The sounds….let’s just be here right now.

Caught myself rushing to get small tasks over with earlier….why would there be any rush at all? There’s no race and no ‘better’ moment to try and get to. What is this rush to the next moment? A nervous system trained that way, that’s all. So it’s retraining. Savouring and appreciating and using the senses while breathing deeply is an effective route.

I decide to notice the sensations as I’m walking down the steps, appreciate that I can without any difficulty whatsoever. I remember how difficult that was a few weeks ago and how easy it is now in contrast.

Dressed and straight outside. Open the door and experience the impact of the morning air on my face, it’s smell. The mind keeps trying to chat and distract….I get caught up and then notice. And come back. Every single time there’s a noticing, it’s a win.

I pass by the other apartments and scan them all and send love to everyone. I breathe consciously. I look at the emerging growth on some plants. It seems that giving the mind a task like that is helpful for reducing the random inner chit chat. And it feels good for me too to remember the wavelength of love and appreciation. The dog reminds me often.

It’s been like tightrope walking this morning.

Well-being is here as an option as is stress and anxiety. My choice.

Always have a couple of hours in bed reading and listening. While the sense of inner balance is noticeable there’s also a noticeable temptation to read potentially triggering material. Part of me finds this peace boring. Dangerous even, as it believes hyper-vigilance keeps me safe.

I ping pong around, get sucked into controversial topics online, bit of news….get slightly triggered, then go back to sensible listening. Tsoknyi Rinpoche interview again. Exact instructions on what to do when the mind is racing and taking you into a death spiral. The interviewer revealed so well what is a common experience.

It was a good sleep. The client who said no to my price and to our intended next project called me to arrange a meeting today. That is a good sign, though the outcome by no means certain if we cannot get the price to a place they are happy with. And I will have to explain satisfactorily the discrepancies they think they have identified. People have no idea what’s involved often. Hopefully and I can explain it all and we can come to an agreement….and then we have work and I have more time to allow a graceful exit.

Yesterday I saw a previous client, gave her my time and thoughts and ideas as she wants to rethink the garden. Note to self- I have to be careful here. She took 6 months to pay the first design fee. And her personality type is something alien to me, on the happy to be disagreeable side and stressed and meticulous and not that warm. Might be better to miss that one out.

The rest of the day was solitary. A walk in the woods, then back here and did some work related calls and emails around the current project. By 6 I was fed up with my own company and taking in information on the internet.

Watched a beautiful simple film about loss, and love and solitude, a woman in a cabin in the mountains on her own. Called ‘Land’. That’s a link to a review. Very good if you’re in the mood for a slow atmospheric nature based adventure.

Got that garden client meeting at 4, then therapy client at 5.30 then to my mums for dinner with uncle and his wife. Will prepare for that meeting today and get outside. And I will be practising dropping into my feelings a lot, and breathing consciously and staying embodied as much as I remember to. Not in my thoughts, which are just a gaggle of geese much of the time. Caught a random one this morning getting dressed and laughed. It’s good when we can have that relationship with the thoughts. Caught myself outside getting caught up again, just came back to the senses. Breathing in and out consciously is a perfect way to settle things down up there.

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