Calm amid the Storm

Yes feeling balanced despite no change in circumstances. Feels like a miracle. Everything is the same as it was that I have been reacting with such fear to….and now, it’s okayness. Where did that storm go…maybe I created it. Yep.

As I awoke I remembered my business situation and started thinking about it. The mind goes into finding a racy solution mode, one scary angle of disaster and problem after the next in quick succession. Anxiety quickly appears. Then I have work to do to restore balance.

Having to work consciously and concentrate at dropping into the feeling of anxiety and allowing them, while breathing from low down. The anxiety evoked by the worry thoughts (which originates from my underlying lower level of anxiety) is not helpful at all and only leads to more suffering. It’s enough already!

So I was surrendering and surrendering in bed while doing the hand on heart self compassion exercise, dropping in and allowing not resisting feeling exercise…..

Up, dressed and outside straight away to the fresh air as is the new habit recently. A great discovery. And a happy dog.

Been listening to this wonderful interview of Tsoknyi Rinpoche and Daniel Goleman. Marvellous interviewer too who revealed so much of himself. It takes us through all the practises for managing stressful thoughts and feelings.

Right now I feel fine, balanced, conscious, not overwhelmed thanks to this practice of dropping into feelings.

Which is interesting to observe since my whole apparently, supposedly ‘catastrophic’ business situation hasn’t changed.

Yesterday was a visit to the post office to pick up a pipe for the job, then to Edinburgh, chat with the guys and an hour of depth with the client. Then back here to the park where I met E and his lovely German gf S who is over for a visit.

We had coffee chats and a walk. She brought me a beautiful present of high quality lavender oil. How fitting! We had many many moments of grace and especially while sitting on a bench allowing the sunshine to beam on our faces.

A young boy asked if he could pat the dog and we witnessed moments of pure magic, a beautiful communion. How gently and where he touched her, so unusual, how she responded, we were amazed and told him he was a natural. Off he went happy as can be.

Today I’m going over the other side of the city to meet an old client who wants to resurrect her garden project which was started designed and abandoned last year. Kind of reluctantly doing that I suppose since her communication wasn’t brilliant before. And it won’t help our immediate needs. Then to see a potential new job right after. Sigh. Good I suppose. Just got a text from an employee who left and wants back and who we don’t want back and replied nicely. Nobody else making demands on me right now.

Then the dog groomer in the afternoon and this job to reprice. I might do something different with them. Such as allow them to buy the skips directly and machines, and maybe some materials and just charge for our time plus overheads. How to do that…never done it like this before. I’ll ponder on this some. It could be a whole new way forward. Fewer bills….oh but no vat reclaim on materials then. Hmmm. Might work with this job anyway.

I awoke having a dream asking a landowning laird I know if he has any accommodation, he said no. I suppose I have been entertaining all sorts of alternatives to the current living situation. Willing to change everything. Give it all up. Sell the flat, move away….the mind doing its thing ranging about for avenues and solutions, mostly fear driven. Also just a willingness to not be attached to what I have in terms of security. And to demonstrate to myself that it’s all just the world of form. I’ve made many radical changes of living situation before and can do it again if required.

Thinking that I will do more direct guided practise with clients regularly. Every session, a breathing exercise, a coming into the present through the senses one. A body scan for greater ‘embodiment’ awareness of being rather than heady. Kindness one with hand on heart and “I love you, I’m here for you, you are safe.” I think doing this will help them put it into practise regularly, by normalising it and letting them see the benefits. Like the client yesterday who observed his anxiety disappearing just by allowing and noticing it.

I’ve got 15 clients for therapy at the moment. Some becoming less frequent as distress is reduced. 3 are now occasional. 6 are fortnightly. 2 on reduced rate. Works out at about 8-10 a week with various holidays and absences.

Trying to get some communication with my son, not easy these days. He isn’t very communicative amid his crisis. Hoping he doesn’t go further into unhealthy habits as a coping mechanism. He agreed to a call today sometime.

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