Long one. Very. Need to talk it through. Could do with some nicely numbing drugs right now but here I am in the rawness of feeling. And yes, feeling the feelings is the only way forward….

(Deeper learning bits in italics so I can find them again if I want reminded.)

Are the external stress causing things in life a lesson to learn to deal with them internally in a more stoic way….or a message to move away from the external sources of stress and change the situation completely. Thinking the business and this flat….

Got to sleep no problem, but awoke at 3am with the loud thumping footsteps of the heavy lady, with the rolling and scraping of the new mobility walker on bare floorboards with their loud squeaking upstairs…..lasts about 15 minutes each time. Several times a night.

I nearly dropped off at 5am and then she went to the loo again…..same noises….and anxiety stepped in quite quickly…..about the whole money and work situation so I did some exercises and soothed myself bit with my hand on the heart saying “I love you, you’re safe, I’m here for you, you’re not alone”. Which helped a little but this is chronic level stress at the moment, not easily dispelled. I’m repeating the exercise often. Remembering to breathe too from the tummy now and then.

Yes I get that they have increasing mobility problems upstairs and need a walker now to get to the loo, and deserve only my compassion, care and love. Which they have, but still….it’s hard going. It’s much worse for them of course. I have unfriendly thoughts though.

Now when it was only squeaks and thumps it seems like a luxury. I could sleep through that easier. They probably don’t even know how loud it is down here and I wouldn’t add to their suffering by telling them, but sure have been tempted. The dog moves about the rooms to avoid the overhead disturbances too.

I just looked at todays calendar massage and yes I was just thinking this is just like going through a fire.

I listened to some podcasts that my current garden client and now fellow Eckhart Tolle book club fellow member recommended. Nothing very deep but one with Mo Gawdat who I love talking about AI a year ago, saying that what we need to do it be nice and it will learn to be nice since we are training it. Another by the Huberman Podcast about stress, eating and aging.

We had our Eckhart Tolle meeting last night. I noticed I wasn’t in full flow due to the underlying anxiety. Same with my counselling client before that. Words coming from brain and so felt rehearsed – heart too constricted to feel fully. Though did listen well to the client since I wasn’t in flow mode, interrupted less I noticed. And shared some super powerful self love material which he really got. It’s been life changing for him, how much more secure and confident he feels about his life and future, and talking about a whole big career change. It’s a joy to be part of.

When people get onboard with self love, there’s that deep okay-ness which arises. Which is so delightful it makes you want to return there, and a beneficial habit starts. When I explain what is taking place to clients I’ve been calling it our ‘Executive Function’ taking back the reigns from the mind, and soothing the scared parts inside us.

I call it that because it sounds acceptable and not too woowoo to them, but I realise that I’m actually talking about THE Executive Function, the Real Self that is Consciousness, and whose nature is love. That’s why it feels so good and so right. It is restoration of our real selves. Which doesn’t recognise separation or fear.

First they have to do the practice and even before that find it an acceptable idea first. Once they start the practice of hand on heart, and ‘I love you I’m here for you, you’re safe’, the magic can kick in automatically if they don’t have too many blocks.

If they have blocks we talk about those, and many manage to lower that enough to give it a go. Either those in enough suffering which makes them try new things in a desire for a solution. The courage of desperation. Or are people pleasers. Or those who are well enough to just recognise the value intuitively and off they go and they love it.

The garden we are doing is quite stressful. Nearly out of money due on it and I somehow managed to underprice it. Not only that but the client is having doubts about whether she even likes it. That’s a first. And quite stressful in itself since we all want her to be happy.

She redesigned my design quite radically to one I didn’t really like but we have done it according to her wishes. Oh dear. She has been quite negative about it. I’ve been reassuring her as best I can. Only 2 weeks left….Clients being happy is the saving grace of so many of these jobs….

What happens when people have an actual breakdown and they can’t continue, when they get incapacitated and it all comes crashing around them involuntarily. I found myself fantasising about that ‘luxury’ this morning. It all just gets taken off your plate. Except I’m many miles from a breakdown. It shows up differently with me. Goes chronic and I adjust. Like maybe that stroke 2 years ago. Warning shot.

7am here and stressed out. Going to have a quick walk round the block and get some air.

That’s better. Dog happy makes me happy. Tried some mindful walking…being aware of the movement of the legs and hips, the weight of the body transferring from one leg to the other. While breathing. Then found myself sending love to all the people in their apartments as I passed by. Good practices and I still feel stressed though. It’s that chronic type that isn’t so easy to budge. Took it down a notch though.

So I replied to that client who said a definite “no”to the job going ahead, just to say thanks and that I’m happy to talk it through to see if we can find some way forward. Not thinking anything would come of it. And got a fairly long email back saying that they are interested in doing that.

From a firm ‘no’ to a ‘maybe if’. So I’m back in uncertainty land again. And my reply to this email she sent will determine if the maybe becomes a yes and that’s me back in arghhhhhhh. But it’s a light of hope.

Did reality adjust after my willingness yesterday to let go of everything

Is that how it works?

We let go and stop grabbing out of a sense of lack and life magically turns round and our trust is ‘rewarded’ by abundance coming back towards us.

I noticed one of my posts from last summer appeared and I read it and was struck by the contrast. I was really in the stream of unity back then, next to zero stress, diving into the peace and wonder of just being. Wow, what a contrast to these last months.

I got the root treatment yesterday. It was just fine, much easier than I thought. Painless. Sorted. Nice dentist. I’d got that shocker of a no email as I went in so was in a state. I put on Ayashanti on the headphones as he drilled away.

Did a couple of short park walks, a before and after dentist one to the allotment and had a really lovely time interacting with several people there. That helps to change channel inside, some bonhomie with others.

We seem to learn through contrasts. Being on my own with thoughts swirling in loops in my head and getting out and talking to people. How great I feel doing therapy compared to the misery and grind of having this business.

Here’s that quote from Sasha Chapin.

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