Keeping it Together, just

In the shower I run my hands down over the body and say hello to my tummy, hello to the thighs, down the legs to the knees, thank you to the calves and ankles and feet.

Hello to the lower back and the buttocks, the waist, the upper arms, the shoulders, the breasts, neck…..thank you all for doing such a great job. And thanks shower for all this lovely warm water.

So I mentioned yesterday that the mood changed right round after an uplifting deep session with my first client yesterday. From glum to gleeful. Helping others is a great way to cheer oneself up. Then straight outside to meet the second client, another young woman and over to my allotment to sit and have tea and a chat. She was pretty unwell after covid for the third time. Trouble breathing and walking.

And oh my goodness, she has come along in leaps and bounds of realisations and honesty which she spilled out to me one after the other. It’s all coming together and all making sense in a whole new way for her. What an awesome experience to witness somebody learn to be honest, to find the courage to deal with fear, and have love and joy arise including for herself, as a result.

I make no secret that I’m on this path of noticing and finding ways to navigate myself. And I also acknowledge personally to myself I seem to have skills in helping others navigate. It has been interesting to witness what comes out of me. It’s like watching from outside often.

I listened to a brand new recent interview with Adyashanti last night and throughout the night when I awoke, it’s pretty marvellous. He’s back after a long hiatus. It’s very nutritious to listen to. And it helped me on track when thoughts dragged me into hell realms of fear.

Those catastrophising thoughts just kept popping up through the night as soon as I awoke to any extent. Didn’t get hold though enough to keep me awake, I could see them for what they are. Fears. Put on the video again and back to sleep. No word back about this next job, if it’s going ahead or not and time and money running out on the current job I don’t even know if I can do within budget….

I have this belief that once I can manage this without these recurring anxiety fits I will be qualified to leave it behind. Maybe I can give myself permission to just not be involved in such activities that evoke such anxiety. In a way that would be like admitting defeat though. This is the opportunity life has put in front of me. Being on the brink of business collapse year after year and learn to traverse the territory fearlessly. I have not manage so far.

I have my wins with this challenge but it just crushes my nervous system regularly. It reacts as if I’m physically in danger as if a huge lion was right in front of me. I know it’s not true but I struggle to convince the unconscious that it will all be okay. I do wonder if I have a problem with being happy. What if it were all actually okay and the perceived danger isn’t real? Well it is, I could go out of business. I don’t see how I can be fully stoic about that.

A little interaction with my son T yesterday, he told me that his cousin is transitioning gender, and is going the full way. I felt sad. We both just wished her the best and for the outcome hoped for. I feel for her mum and dad and I’m close to L the grandma who is also my son’s grandma. I can only imagine that is has been very difficult for all of them them. Her mum has MS too. So many many kids going through this just now. P was telling me of her friends daughter doing the same. There’s an explosion of gender dysphoria referrals as the Guardian calls it. 350 a year to over 5000 a year within 10 years. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s none of my business. I’m trying not to have opinions but this subject is everywhere right now.

I had a great session with my client this morning, then got that root canal treatment at 1. Then another therapy client at 4.30 and the Eckhart Tolle book group tonight.

Nervous about this root treatment. Taking the dog for a walk.

Unchanging number 41 from the IChing


To the mind that is still = the entire universe surrenders. The Joyful Lake is repressed by the weight of the Mountain of Keeping Still. This can show that emotional responses are out of balance to the changing events. By increasing what is below one exacerbates what is above. Frustration, anger or blind enthusiasm will not change the situation. You may need to find the stillness suggested by the Mountain and find the grace to let go. Imbalance is usually the reason that Decrease would appear unchanging. However nothing in the situation will change until your attitude changes. Being resentful, expecting something different or holding onto the past will only blind you to emerging opportunity.Don’t spend beyond your means and realize that giving can also take away another’s power. In unchanging form, Sun is a message that Decrease of some sort may be necessary in this situation although you are pushing blindly ahead. Remember the master’s words: “To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.” In unchanging form, this hexagram can suggest a time of seeing through the illusion of scarcity to understand that less is more.

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