I’m in a bit of shock that the next job is not going ahead and this feels like something big. Sad too. It wasn’t guaranteed but there was a hope. Kind of calmness after the worst has happened. I know it’s not the worst but…

Though we have often been in the situation of not knowing where we will be working in 2 or 3 weeks this feels different. I have nothing on the horizon I could speed up and not many enquiries this year.

Is this, could this be the end? Do I really want it to be? think that’s a yes, though I had hoped for a whole summer to pay off the debts.

The thought of being free of this business is strangely euphoric even though there’s another darker side full of worries lurking and that is how to do it without burning any suppliers I’ve have good relationships with and not going bankrupt. And the men not having jobs of course.

One plan if we stop now is to pay the suppliers with my own savings, it would just about cover that. Though leave me with no back up funds.

Edgy that, though I lived almost my entire life with no back up funds. Not a penny. Always had great credit though so knew there was a bit of an emergency back up. I’d still have that. Life might just be asking me to let go completely of all security and trust. Got a feeling that’s it.

Could carry on with the design side and that would bring in a few K to back up the counselling income which I’d increase with more bandwidth and time to do it without a whole lot of construction and employees going on. There’s money owed to hmrc though and a vat bill due in a month. I could probably make a payment plan with them to pay that off.

I need to speak to the accountant. In shock. Oddly calm on some level though though. Well the mind isn’t racing, maybe I’m not exactly fully calm. There’s anxiety and uncertainty too but it seems low key. In comparison to waiting to find out if I got the job or not. Now I know. And need to make a plan.

My tadpoles doing fine in their new home in my allotment.

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