‘Be quiet’ the inner guidance voiced clearly as I was walking across the field lost in thinking. ‘Be quiet and breathe.’
Okay be right here. I’m right here. Except when I go into thought and the future and then I’m lost to this moment.
I breathe. I go into the senses, the smells, the sensation of walking, what is being seen….heard….noticing what is felt physically inside. I lie down on the grassy slope. The crows around. The gusts of wind. Sun in my face, dog sitting beside me.
A short moment of conscious awareness. And the mind disengages. For a few minutes then it’s back. And I start again and over and over. Many short moments of awareness throughout the day will become continuous. Repetition is the way.
I’m calmer since I sent the client the price. A lot. I don’t even mind what they say which is strange to notice, though there’s a preference for a yes please go ahead. At the moment it’s an unknown, and if they say no an alternative will have to be found. Or not.
This is 3/10 stress compared to the 8/10 I’ve been in prior to pricing the work and sending it.
Lost in a fear and procrastination death spiral of overwhelm. Long gone was my comfortable ‘I’ll do it when the Force wants me to’, that is often a good refuge. That doesn’t work once you let fear in, as you can’t hear the promptings of the inner guidance with fear blocking the receivers.
My friend N said half jokingly that maybe I’m a masochist. We laughed. That was after a thorough talk about what I do on business in detail, and responses to each stage emotionally, the beliefs I have and conflicting goals swirling around about it all.
Got my old pal S arriving shortly and going to the park and the allotment for a walk and catch-up. Other than that I’m a little out of bandwidth today. Had thoughts of studying but just no space. That’s okay.
So I looked it up, masochist in the psychological sense. And it wasn’t not a fit. Will investigate further.
After a therapy session yesterday I took a while to rest. It was our second session. A super bright young woman at medical school, stuck in self loathing and a multitude of fears about moving from that position towards self acceptance. We talk through some of those fears. She has some realisations about the unfounded nature of these fears. She is intuitive and we make a good connection and I watch how easily the right words come from me. Each person brings me to a different level of communication. She is also severely traumatised by and her self hatred strengthened by an event that happened when she was 21. Her long term bf with a drink problem killed himself after a relapse, and she found him.
After my walk I sat having courgette soup at the outdoor cafe and just sitting being, enjoying the air. N arrived and we had a fun engaging chat all about the twists I get knotted up in with business, my beliefs about money and ego and and ….all that. I’m fortunate to have someone who engages with me about it. Though he has heard most of it before many times. We had some fun too joking about. I appreciate his friendship a lot.
I called G and picked him up and we collected a chair I’ve been wanting to give them for ages. Little deep catch up in the car. Good pal he is. And popped in for a visit to see his wife M, who gave me 4 home made Singaporean home made spring rolls which I enjoyed for dinner. Lovely. In bed early and another good sleep. That was Friday’s story.
Today I had a delightful session with a client who has made incredible progress from such low confidence and in tears and overwhelm a lot and having to take time off work, to shining brightly today.
It’s an incredible transformation to witness. She was in such a poor state that she took all the tools and ran with them, used them and made them her own. Now back at work and managing her emotions fine. Talking to her rose flowers is she enters and leaves her house about how she appreciates them. How great.