Sent the price

I sent the price. Three choices, £97k, £84k or £75k. Not small amounts obviously and none of which will make me much profit ironically. Just like this £80k one we are doing right now. I pay myself less than my foreman and marginally more an the others. It all sounds pretty crazy doesn’t it. All this responsibility and stress. Big sums, top quality company, the talent, the care, next to no money being made.

And that’s I think because of the vow I made back in my teens. Which I still ride virtuously upon and stress myself to the eyeballs as a result of. The choice, God or Mammon. You cannot serve both. And the cost of the serving the former is everything. To me God meant reaching for the highest levels of potential.

I simply do not allow myself to rise above my fellow humans too much financially. I do not trust what it would do to me. I have very strong conditioning at work here. There was a superiority class wise as a kid from my mums side. I cannot have that fertilised. Till I’m sure it’s no longer part of my identity. And that’s not yet. I still find myself posturing and positioning myself to others with the middle class thing at times. (And I love and forgive myself completely!)

So after days of dread I sent it.

Felt consciously fine about doing it and glad I was taking action, but must have been nervous, as I pressed send before fully finishing the email! And had to send a second to explain….Arghh not a biggy.

oh man. I’m watching my lack of courage here with utter disdain on the one hand and with a kind of amusement on the other.

I know I’ll be reading back on this post in the not too distant future bemused at my over dramatisation of life’s minor events, like sending a price to a client.

Okay it’s a job the business practically depends on…..or so it seems. If she comes back and says no way, that’s too much, then I will have to find a way forward. Something else will happen.

So now I wait.

I’ll go for a walk and some lunch. Oh man, the stress of this.

I’m reminded of a post I wrote fairly recently “what was your worry three worries ago”.

Though I’m freaking the fuck out about money and bills here I gave them a small bonus this week. £200 to M and £100 each for the others….as they simply deserve it. I know it sounds crazy and it is by normal measures but actually it’s what the situation wants, and the Force suggested it. Sometimes it suggests things the rational mind baulks at. All this money swimming about…..

And the juxtaposition of what they get paid in a whole year (£25k-£34k) and the price of this £80k garden they are building so beautifully.

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