Even when a whole lot else is going on there’s always wonder and curiosity and enchantment and magic all around. I’m very appreciative of this.
Little thought gremlins continue to try and bomb me off course into fear. Another night of odd dreams and awake time…..thoughts in the night, of such paltry insignificance yet that somehow feel bigger in the little small hours of the night.
Such as ‘did you leave enough water out for the dog? Maybe you forgot to and she is suffering from dehydration just now’. To that I just go ‘nope, I trust I took care of that task’. And I did.
These thoughts of doubt try every which way to wheedle in and get a fear reaction. There’s some good raw material for those fear inclined parts at the moment too.
I put my hand on my chest I love you, I’m your fiend, I’m here for you, you are safe I say to myself. I breathe.
I struggled to stay in the present in the shower earlier. Off in thinking land. Brought myself back to the present briefly at the end by looking at the water coming out of the shower head, feeling the sensation of the water, and sent gratitude to those workers out there somewhere making instant water appear when I want it. I still find it practically enchantingly magical. All the way to my bathroom from a big reservoir many miles away and clean and warm.
Yesterday the costing got done, today I check it over and send. Then there is a wait for an answer. Will they go for one of the options or will they be so shocked at the price they will go and try and get it cheaper elsewhere, and I will have no work for the men. The later I doubt, but that’s the fear.
Other anxiety work elated issues are finances in general, putting another £3k of my savings into the business to ease cash flow. Big amounts owed. Close attention work required on my part to finish this current project to a satisfactory level. There’s all the emails and calls I don’t reply to wanting work done I don’t want to do and don’t have the wherewithal to reply to just now. I just don’t feel like replying. I know it’s rude and unprofessional but that’s how it is right now.
There’s 2 therapy clients today which is a nice thing happening. One soon, another at 2.30. Then the root treatment at the dentist at 4pm. Urgh. Be glad to have this dental saga over with. And also grateful
It rained yesterday and I visited my mum for a good long chat and tea. It was harmonious, though a shocking revelation from her that my dad hit her several times. She said 3 times. He had a ‘flash temper’ she called it. I’ve never heard that before.
Hit her so hard that one time (and pregnant with my sister, I was at my grandmas) it threw her off her seat crashing her into the wall. It was at a gathering in full view of others and another woman attacked him for it and he ended with scratches down his face. Omg. These secrets….he only ever slapped me one time in my whole life when I was a teenager. I just thought it was something he didn’t do. How odd.
I’m so glad that anger isn’t too much of a regular visitor for me. It does arise regularly in the form of irritation but fizzles mostly and is lessening. I got a bit stressed by this morning’s noise upstairs. Only lasts half an hour then back to silence. And I don’t have the ‘they shouldn’t be doing this; thought now which enraged me in the past. They are struggling big time with their age and their health.
Then I went to a different park and walked round a big pond and stood at the huge waterfall where I have stood so very often as a child marvelling at the elemental power of the water. It’s a crashing amazing wonder to this day. Enchantment is never far away whatever is happening in my life.
Chit chatting with my son who has shaved off all his hair. Somewhat alarming in appearance to say the least but being optimistic, perhaps it’s an indication of a new start in some way.
Learning to Rest with it All 