Been curious about this mood of malaise that has been here over the last days and week in particular. I seem to have an exaggerated negative response to this bit of pricing work I need to do, strong anxiety and low mood around it. Even though it’s something I don’t normally enjoy anyway and I’m familiar with the dread around it. It’s been worse than normal.

I’ve been using the low mood to put theory into practice and loving myself for feeling anxious, or sad or annoyed. I notice there hasn’t been much singing to the dog, that buoyancy hadn’t been emerging lately. And I notice that almost everything my mind turns to, there’s a negative slant on it, a pessimism. Note to self – don’t think much during these slumps.

Realising I had just taken not one, but two courses of antibiotics I thought I’d look up the effect, and to my surprise it’s pretty huge. There is a strong association between antibiotic use and all sorts of negative outcomes including anxiety and depression. My digestion has been messed up by it a bit I’ve noticed.

Even worse, there’s evidence emerging that if they are taken as children they can have a permanent negative effect on the gut and so the mental and physical health. Wow. Yes I’ve heard increasing murmurings about the importance of the microbiome….hadn’t given taking these antiobiotics a second thought though. Wanted rid of the abscess and the dentist said that’s what is needed.

This is one of many https://www.universiteitleiden.nl/en/news/2022/07/antibiotic-treatments-make-us-more-susceptible-to-negative-emotions

Anyways…..so maybe that explains things a bit this week. The slump. I do get a slump as a job is finishing and I don’t have another lined up. And often enter a state of paralysis the more urgent doing the work becomes. It is a mini hell realm.

Dreams last night, neither were pleasant experiences.

First one – an ex described his new penis jewellery, with leather and silver. Next I’m looking at an abstract profile photo of it on social his media. And the picture zoomed out and next I’m seeing the extent of the body alterations he has done and he had turned his penis into this long devil tale curling round the back of him. Found it sad he was so mad and not at all what I expected him to be. I thought he was the wisest person I’d ever met at one point. Turned out to be a sex addict and not very wise. One of several abusive relationships….arhhh there my negative thoughts go again.

It’s incredible to be sitting here watching the compulsive negative slant my thoughts are presenting on nearly everything right now. I’m so glad I can see it though!

Second dream I’m with the men working at my grandmas old house, we are moving the garage and fixing it up. The men had stored a whole lot of stuff in the rafters and over burdened it….and as it was on a hill, it slid all the way down the driveway across the road. I was shocked and disappointed and anxious. Now we had a problem to solve a big one that would cost time and money to put right. I got over it and sat with them. I don’t smoke but in the dream I saw that I was smoking two cigarettes at once. Felt embarrassed about that, must be so anxious that I didn’t notice lighting a second one.

Both themes of disappointment again, hopes unfulfilled. Plus the ongoing hassle of previous clients coming back to me about issues with their garden that may or may not be our fault. Usually not but sometimes are, either way it’s very stressful. Costs money and time. It’s horrible and ongoing and continuous. One even came back to me 10 years later recently about an issue. So fed up with things going wrong.

Arghh gotto not think in this state….it’s all coming out negative. Fed-up-ness. And here I am, have it good, this life. Healthy warm comfy. Own my own flat, managing the bills. Good friends and family. A new promising business. Just watched my thoughts wanting to drag me back into what’s ‘not right; again there…had to delete what I wrote.

Why can’t construction business all just be wildly successful !? How different that would feel rather than this endless uphill juggling skills demonstration. To be able to share the upward trajectory with people and feel that upward onwards improving life and the disappearance of money worries would be a delight.

Yesterday was almost as good as it could be, except I didn’t do the work. And knowing I wasn’t doing it put a dampener on my mood a bit. I saw a therapy client first thing then went out with E for a walk in the morning. I can just be whatever I am with both of them. We are all struggling in different ways.

Weather moody and a little wet and still in the woods, park so beautifully quiet. We lingered and moseyed around a bit, ended at the cafe for soup where we bumped into N with his dog. And we all continued walking exploring sitting and chatting and sharing. Only returned home nearly 5 hours and 5 miles later. It was a bit of everything. Depth, joking, politics.

I was surprised at Es admission that he had punched an anti immigration protesting guy in the face at a counter demonstration 2 weeks ago. That guy is such a mystery. So much wisdom and yet….actual physical violence towards someone is astonishing to me and so outside my reality. He only told us as he had disturbed himself so much not out of remorse but the fear that they might find and locate him.

On a more positive note my son asked me about a prospective career change. Glad to hear that he is feeling up for a change. Music to my ears that he’s looking for something more deeply meaningful and fulfilling. I said ‘psychotherapy’. We had a text chat about it and I sent links. He’s considering a psychology degree but for similar reasons I didn’t do one, is unsure he can sustain interest. A lot of it will be rubbish. And it’s a long time commitment.

I don’t want to leave here at the moment as the work I need to do looms. I’m afraid. Afraid I’ll get the price wrong and not make money. Afraid they will say no if I price it well to make money and we don’t have work to go to. Afraid of the consequences of that.

Okay what is the worse that can happen? We don’t have work, guys laid off and I pay my debts using the money I have saved. Which won’t cover it though. See……my thoughts are just so defeatist right now. I’m trying to face the fear and the fear is enlarging itself as I do that. I could sell this flat and I’d have about £120k inc savings. Then what. I have to find a place to live which would probably be rented. Or so cheap it would be horrible.

There I go again. This is how depressed people think. I’m getting a direct experience of that. Which has got to be useful. It shows me that you can’t really think you’re way out of these things. It’s a felt experience. Okay I’m going to walk the dog out the block. At least I can cheer another being up.

Grateful to know this cycle will end and the bounce will arrive….and a new cycle.

Update- did the costing finally that I’d got myself into a death spiral of anxiety and procrastination about. Feel miles better and now going for a walk! Thanks for sharing my pain though 🙂

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