Tender moments in a dream about M of defences laid down and in its place mutual affection that came easily. Gently holding hands, about to go to bed, not in a sexual way…just calm and at ease with being together. I waited for him only to discover by the next morning that he’d decided to go and drop acid and in the craziness of that had invited his friends who had ‘borrowed’ my neighbours 2 bikes which weren’t returned. I was not happy about this. This is what he does, spoils things. It’s his ‘secret power’, a way of control as well as making sure life doesn’t get too good for him.
I’m thinking it’s a dream about disappointment which has been a minor theme recently. Having expectations of people and those not being met. I was going to write a whole post about it but it’s felt too negative to dwell on. We all know disappointment, especially from childhood and as adults too. I think I turned it into some kind of repetition compulsion hobby though. Find people to fall in love with who will disappoint and let you down by not returning it.
How could I even receive it anyway?! I had little experience of receiving love from an indifferent father, I believed I was not lovable. So relationships not working out was a good fit. Choosing unloving people was a good fit. And not their ‘fault’ for disappointing me of course. It’s not my fault either. I often thought there must be something wrong with me for choosing such people. I was just acting out the conditioning.
It’s just a part of life and that sadness that comes, it hurts. I’ve been lying in bed this morning hand on chest saying ‘I’m here for you, I love you, you’re safe’. Thankfully we can love ourselves regardless of what we are feeling.