Back in Hell

Okay I’m being over dramatic. Its a beautiful morning, I have nothing painful physically going on, I’m cosy, comfy, the place is warm, the dog happy. Just back from a short walk in the beautiful frosty morning air.

It has been that choice point again intensifying for the last week. Will it be hell or heaven on earth for me in this hour ahead, this day ahead? I’ve chosen hell for now. The tempters of hell have been closing in and stalking me for days. Worries.

Even the other activity which helps me switch channels isn’t arriving this morning. My usual first thing therapy client is still unwell so cancelled this morning, the second one off in Iceland….so here I sit wondering what’s next. That costing I’m putting off…..

Abruptly arrived at Monday after a weekend that was low key and solitary. Saturday morning in an isolation tank – it was even better this time. I stayed completely still for nearly an hour floating in the dark silence and surrendered and surrendered over and over. Prayer. Breathing consciously and watching thoughts come and go. All in all a joy. The smell I didn’t like before was gone too and it was a complimentary session after I mentioned the smell the last time.

Then went to the allotment, planted 2 climbing hydrangeas and sat with my new trans pal A having coffee in the summerhouse. Very chilled relaxed company, and an appearance so very colourful, lot of makeup, bright red lipstick going well over the edge of the lips and purple hair. In his 50s and can’t read or write. Cannot imagine what that must be like. Such a goldmine of knowledge of plants and the soil. Been there for over 20 years. What a life story.

And yesterday I went to the allotment again. On my own this time and was greeted by a friendly confrontation by the chairwoman. I was reported by someone for going in to another plot to get frogspawn for my pond. I had the plot holder’s permission, but still. It’s not been smooth sailing at this community. So I confronted the person that reported me and let them know I had permission. They kind of growled something back about not going into other peoples plots. I planted some potatoes and onions, did some maintenance. Read a bit. Made tea. Fed the birds. However that little bit of unfriendliness effected my mood quite a bit.

3 weeks left of this construction job and no work confirmed and lined up yet. Money running out in other words and still materials to buy. I haven’t even done the costing yet for the next job because I’m scared as I don’t feel confident, even though I could have done it any day in the last week. That needs to done to get it to the client to get a yes or no from them about proceeding forward.

Same every single time I get into this stressful state. I feel a bit traumatised by this whole business and the troubles of the last few years and the financial worries and now fearful rather than how I used to be, which was optimistic and full of enthusiasm. I used to love this whole game of business, of designing something, and seeing it happen in real life. And even getting paid. Now it’s mostly just a source of worry, which I am struggling to overcome.

Still no word from my son in the far off somewhere in Malaysia. Not replying to texts. I am concerned about him. His state, his future, his happiness or lack of it these last few years. I’m annoyed as hell by the way this pandemic wrecked the lives of many youngsters.

I guess hell is winning this morning. I feel stressed about this costing I don’t want to do but have to. I’m not good at it, still to this day don’t really know what I’m doing when costing, it’s guessing.

I listen to the Force and it indicates the right time to do things. Often, usually it’s the last moment. The Force doesn’t really do planning head. So I have this choice of trusting it will all be fine which it always is, or being a worrying little human in fear for its survival. Me right now.

And the uncertainty of it being a yes or a no from the client. If it’s a no, I won’t have much time to arrange something else for the men to do, may not even have anything for them to do. Then I won’t be able to pay the suppliers and and and…that’s my hell scenario that is always hovering as a possibility. And every time, it all works out just fine despite me going through this. Over and over and over.

Plus the noise upstairs has increased a lot with nurses coming in several times a day from 8am and now workmen are back removing even more rubbish. Maybe they are starting to sort the floors soon. I feel disturbed.

I feel so alone in this responsibility. Sometimes I imagine how nice it would be to discuss and share life with another. Watched a romance yesterday and I started having a bit of a longing for companionship. Hopefully temporary. But remembered how sumptuous it felt to sink into the warm loving arms of my old friend A some months ago. And felt a desire for more of that bodily closeness. Thought of visiting again. Reactivated a dating site profile to see who is out there anyway….see if there’s any mileage in this desire or if again it’s just temporary. I actually see myself as a nun on a solitary spiritual path feeling at one with everyone. I see it as the price I have to pay for total surrender. And getting a partner would be a compromise.

Anyways….there’s also the joy of sharing in another’s success. My therapy client yesterday. She is going from success to success in a big way both personally and in her career. And we talked all about that. The way we can doubt ourselves and also allow ourselves to expand.

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