Starving thoughts of Attention

Brain is saying any old shit. Any number of comments on life or about this or that, me and how I’m doing or feeling or someone else or something going on and I could follow it down it’s groove to nowhere in particular.

This brain just goes bla bla bla. Just likes the sound of its own voice and enjoys making comments on anything nearly. It’s useful to notice as I can just say no thanks to any and all of them. Notice and drop. Starve them of attention and bore them to death.

Drop into my body and be a feeling thing, rather than a thinking thing. More duhhhh. Just enjoying the pulsing sense of aliveness in this body. It’s quite enough to deal with. Here we are actually feeling aliveness inside these bodies of ours. Let’s just be so lovely and kind to ourselves.

Long sleep again, late up and still tired. Happy enough and also not feeling all that well. Tooth still really sore, adjacent one, the jaw, ear….all connected. On antiobiotics, 2 kinds. Thich Nhat Hanh talks of the enjoyment of not having toothache and how we can appreciate that. I’m going to remember that when this is gone!

There’s a lot to be said for savouring the bad things that are not happening. My legs both work. That’s fresh in my memory after not even being able to take the dog for a walk with the calf muscle whatever it was injury that’s gone now.

I don’t have dementia.

There isn’t gunfire outside my house

I don’t have an abusive partner

Im not homeless

I don’t have a broken fridge

My neighbours aren’t junkies

I’m not in prison

I know it sounds ridiculous but I think there’s some mileage in it. I find it can work with some very depressed clients at times and it gets a little laugh going too. It’s nice to get the clients laughing.

It’s Friday. Men paid, suppliers too. Going to the plant nursery with N’s wife (who I don’t know) this afternoon. Choosing plants for the allotment plus getting 14 pleached trees 3.5m high for the Edinburgh garden. Unusual order.

Got a pleasant walk in too between clients along the river. Different routes for a change. Good home made veg soup for lunch at the cafe, pleasant chat with strangers. Greeted a cow on the way back to the car.

Had some spectacularly good progress with 4 therapy clients yesterday. With each of them I knew how to respond, what to ask next, what to point to, to suggest, which questions to ask, how long to allow silences…exercises to suggest which I’ve never even thought of before….and after I can see clearly if I made any ‘wrong’ moves and why very clearly. I have no idea why I seem to be so good at this, but it’s a delightful surprise. Like a miracle of something. A really happy happening at this stage of life.

And I still have a sort of viable design business. I feel like giving the guys a small bonus but the cupboard is less than bare just now. Part of me wants to just do it anyway but other part says, spend more than you need to an you endanger the whole thing. I’m going with that for now. There have been unexpected expenses. Both vans needing over £1000 spend on them in the last weeks. Break discs pads tyres, mot’s. Still digging out of the last job’s financial bleakness. I can’t even imagine this being thriving and successful I realised, and that in itself may be the issue. I won’t allow success materially.

Got 2 new cleaners coming today. I’d like their help to keep on top of the entropy of dirt and dust accruing. So a deep clean today and then once a fortnight for 2 hours. Good good. Progress. Order.

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