Just so

Long sleep and no pharmaceuticals required. Good. Though now on two types of antibiotics though to remove the tooth infection. It’s a bit sore still. Got root canal treatment next week…saga continues till it stops. Quite tired in general. And kind of happy too. Reality is happening as it does.

Started the day with my A-Team theme tune, dog bounding in happy to see me get up. This always cheers us both up, a little singing. Brings a bit of playfulness to set the tone of the day. Then as I get dressed we have this ritual when it’s sock time she insists on a good back scratch, another bit of fun as when I stop she paws me and whines for more.

Got dressed, boots on and straight out the door to the morning air with the dog again. It works, the slight shock of fresh rawness of outdoor reality right after the cosy bed channel.

Yesterday the theme was a visit to M and G’s. Quite a few hours there, lot to catch up on. Then to the park where I just sat in the sun on a bench soaking in the vitamin D. Doing nothing nothing nothing and happily so.

N came along with his dog and we hung out, went to the cafe for tea and cake. Was happy to see him, as I’d thought of him earlier in the day. Taking his wife, who I don’t know, to the plant nursery tomorrow. She has just arrived from New Zealand and is horticulturally inclined too. Got a nice email from his ex wife Z who is a close friend, now back in New Zealand.

Back here to a therapy client. Good session. Never know how things will go with people, all depends what they bring, what they are in the mood to look at. And always there’s a reminder to be kinder to ourselves.

I need that reminder right now. Being with Sean in that dream reminded me of the feelings, so many different feelings including the most painful. I think he may have been undiagnosed borderline. How many years I tolerated such a bad temper. Then with C, and then with M. It was just something I put up with, was normal. That’s what happens when you don’t honour and respect and love yourself. Eventually I departed from each of them though, there was a limit. It’s hard to revisit such times of pain. Not all pain of course, intense close loving times with S and M especially. And I played my part, being unwilling to ‘tolerate’ happiness and love and harmony…..so what else would I manifest but the opposite or at least a bumpy ride.

That costing is waiting for me I’m aware too, the fear is there and the money and time running out on the current job. A race against time once again. Maybe I like creating such suburban excitement and drama! Got 4 therapy clients today. 2 this morning, 2 late afternoon/evening.

Talk of chat from my son T which doesn’t materialise. I may have just become what mothers become to them, some character in the distance uninvolved in their lives, not required.

Hard, kids know so well the expectations of the parent and I hope he doesn’t feel pressure to fulfil those expectations. Wish he could be free to be anything with me. So that’s okay I guess if that’s how it is. Here if he needs me. Not like any major positive impact can be made at this stage since he will be 30 this year.

Not feeling that well generally right now, even though happy enough, quietly contented. Breathing from low down regularly as I remember…..it is actually becoming my habit now which is great news…..and a hand on chest, I am here for you, I love you, you are safe and generally being as kind as possible. We can just choose to be so lovely to ourselves and each other. Bin all self criticism. Up the self encouragements, the reminders of how well we have done, and state love for ourselves whatever is going on.

Polished the brass edges to my grandmas old table for the first time. I really like having her stuff around me. I feel her and her benign presence.

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