I sincerely asked for help last night, and help came. It arrived in the form of an encouraging and empowering dream last night. I awake feeling uplifted and not alone today, and I’m left with an embodied emotional imprint of being supported. I was embraced by a strong being, arms around me with complete pure love and a message of you are not alone, you are never alone.
An injection of courage. I feel more confidence and doubt has diminished a little. The sense of looming doom about business has lessened. I’ve let go of the outcome, whatever that will be, and happy to give it my best shot 😊 Not so scared.
The leg is healing well. I can nearly walk on it, another couple of days. I have been lucky. My mum still has the dog so I don’t have to do the walks. Quite enjoyable to be free of the responsibility for a few days.
My friend P arrived for the afternoon yesterday and we amused ourselves by watching educational YouTube videos. One a critique of feminism with Mary Harrington which I didn’t fully agree with.
Though it put into words elements of what I have noticed. That this freedom we women have gained through the pill has come at a cost. A cost to the stability by reducing the sanctity of marriage and the family, the reduced shared values and community erosion, children growing up in broken homes, rampant sexualisation and commodification of women, and a break of social cohesion in general. The emaciation of men in some ways too. And I’m not sure it’s made we women happy.
I personally ended up having several unsuited partners (it doesn’t matter so much if you’re not planning on having kids with them or marrying them, you can just go for fun and attraction) in my youth, and I had a child out of marriage, having to leave my job and essentially end my career, bringing the kid up on my own in a highly strained lack of money situation. I ended up when he was a bit older running my own business. My son was without a father and had me his mother overly focused on earning money to support us instead of more on him. We had other support though from wider family members, we were fortunate ones even though it was a struggle.
I have often found myself looking back at times in history when social rules held communities and facilities together. Perhaps over idealistically. I was talking about we children born in the 60s during the sexual revolution. Both our parents marriages were wrecked by infidelity and the ensuing unhappiness and combat. Which effected us a lot and in turn effected our ability to make wise choices. We knew we didn’t want what we saw growing up, but we had no clue what the wiser path was, it wasn’t obvious so we had to just make it up and experiment. We have both ended up single. Both on the avoidant end of the attachment theory scale.
P and I watched parts of Eliezer Yudkowsky interview about AI called ‘We are all Going to Die’. Click bait yes, but he means it. He is one of the world foremost experts in the field for the last 20 years and he thinks it’s out of control now. Here’s the debrief from the rather shaken up interviewers with a massive trigger warning to watchers about the full interview.
There is a strong sense of decline ‘out there’. If ever there was a time to look within, be honest, loving to yourself and get with your God, it is now. IMHO of course. The days of looking outside of ourselves for meaning, entertainment, endless stimulation, security in material things is passing. These are the good old days of all that. We are still in a condition of incredible plenty, choice, luxury and opulence. I am increasing my full appreciation at every opportunity of everything. Gratitude.
It’s so amazing not having anything much that I have to do, for day after day this last while. I tidied the hose up and restored order. I contacted a cleaner to come in every fortnight for 2 hours to help maintain order. I saw a new therapy client yesterday who I’ve booked in for Friday mornings. I watched a film last night about St.Francis of Assisi. Well the good bit at the end when he meets the pope. Got me thinking where this vow of poverty came from. Think I always liked him as a child, especially with his love of nature. This morning’s client cancelled, off to the rugby. So a good few hours of space
Learning to Rest with it All 