Passing through a Grey Cloud

Travelling through a cloud at the moment and not feeling consciously connected with the lightness and peace I know is there. I feel the frustration of that separation and feel trapped in my mind and thoughts that bring suffering.

A long and bit broken sleep, 9pm till 4am. Been awake for ages with a constant sore head, a sore leg, sore teeth on both sides. It’s all minor little niggles I know. Was listening to some nice deep stuff that I found hard to access energetically. In body mentality I suppose just now. With all its aches and pains and it’s fearfulness. After a day on the sofa, I can now put my foot on the floor, still can’t put weight on it but it looks promising for a quick recovery.

Body looks for body solutions. Compensations for its suffering. I look at the alcohol isle in Lidl. Maybe a wee something that might cheer up and be a nice treat. I look at nearly every type of bottle and not one attracts me. Maybe Baileys Irish Cream, I pick it up and look at it and put it back. Some small voice is saying yes yes that’s delicious, then I think of the dizzy effect. I don’t like that. I don’t want those calories either. Once again it’s not for me. I buy a steak pie which the body remembers it used to love. I cook it and the dog gets it all. The meat repels me. But that’s not 100% of the time.

Body is afraid for its survival. It doesn’t know how to trust. It gets my mind to worry about scarcity. I’m so fed up with that story…..the mind worries about the business, the bills to pay, running out of money. Its all up to little separate me to solve it and I don’t even want to do this business with its lack of reward and constant stress. It’s my recurring waking nightmare. I could do more work and solve the money issue but I don’t want to do the work, my heart isn’t in it largely.

Especially now that I witness what it feels like to be of use and be of real service to others in counselling.

I went back to Course in Miracles. I always return there when confidence wobbles. It’s the exact same as Dzogchen, using different words. It’s an effective bridge. Just as uncompromising with the truth, as is Light on the Path, by Mabel Collins. Mainstays of practice, of community, of returning to the real.

I can hardly take anything in. Almost all outside stimuli feels overwhelming just now. No matter how wise, how entertaining, even music, the noises sound me. Time for turning inside and facing some things.

For ages I’ve been disturbed by the negative judgmental thoughts I have about nearly everyone I know. Very curious why I have this reflex at times, dismissing, wanting to distance from friends and family……and people I love and respect and appreciate. It’s the perception of the separate self in contrast to the self that recognises that there’s no separation.

Then I read this in the ACIM earlier and it was a relief. That it’s not only me that’s this ‘bad’ ! I find their use of the word ‘hatred’ difficult. I don’t exactly identify with that. It’s seems to be a wish to banish people from my life. So the start of the first paragraph I identify with more, the urge to get rid of. Unless I’m in denial of my hatred which is possible. Highly likely actually. That’s a real taboo thing in my value system.

Those paragraphs are heavy duty truth, words are powerfully straight into the core.

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