Clear skies and a heavy frost outside this morning and the passing cars are mostly white. I’ve got a therapy client at 9.30 then going to Edinburgh to visit the current project. Cancelled the business mentor meeting this afternoon and a park walk instead. Good to have a mission for the day.

I had to drag myself out yesterday I was so tired and fed up, such an energy and mood crash I just lay on the sofa, unheard of in the mornings.

I ended up doing a longer walk over fields and up the lane though in the sunshine, with a stop for tea and home baking at the cafe. Felt miles better being outside. And the sunshine helped a lot, I savoured and soaked it up. Took some nuts with me for the birds and enjoyed watching them come to feed at the little pond. I came back and slept for 2 whole hours. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Had to knock myself out with a sleeping pill at 11 to get to sleep, so hopefully back on a healthier cycle now. Ideal is asleep by 10.30 and awake by 5.30.

Been planning allotment activities for the spring and summer and bought some veg and wildflower flower seeds on the way home. Also a camping stove and kettle to make tea in the shed.

I didn’t speak to barely a soul, just the staff at the tea room and a neighbour. Some sacred process of awareness taking place too, and solitude is part of it at times. Most of the time actually. Aware the ego is going through whatever stage of the death throws it’s at too. Always a background theme. This is a magical beautiful deep process, I forget that at times.

The sense of never feeling safe which I have been pondering recently. Eckhart Tolle’s latest video was on that which was good timing and it reminded me that I’m not alone. Being alive isn’t exactly a safe experience, considering we are all going to die at some point.

Then I got to thinking about the deal we make with ourselves, usually at younger stages. I’m not going to feel safe or happy until ‘this and this’ happens. So that might be I won’t feel safe or happy until I accumulate this much money. Or I have this kind of house, or I am married, or I’m this slim or am recognised in my career.

What deal did I make that I may be unaware of I wonder….

I think of a survey that was carried out interviewing dying people, and the answer of one women “I wish I had allowed myself to be happier”. Allowed.

At any point I can turn away from ‘complaint’ in my mind to savouring. Even the tiny little things, like cleaning the sink this morning as I brushed my teeth. Making my bed beautifully. The stillness around. A pat of the dog.

Full moon last night out the bedroom window

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