Bit of a Moan

8.30am. I had another unexpectedly nice day yesterday, full of variety and purpose and meaning. The 2 therapy clients in the morning and then the garden client late afternoon. An hour nap I’m between. Not that excited about the job itself though very much enjoyed the social encounter.

She really needed to talk and talk and I was there for an hour and a half. We had a good rapport and I listened. A family bereaved suddenly and trying to recover their lives after the shock and sadness of losing a wonderful husband and father. So being very wealthy, they have bought this mansion which she is doing up as a project for them all to focus on.

She was so lovely and open. Always interesting to have a window into the lives of others,particularly the very wealthy. Since we are all led to believe there’s something marvellously attractive about it. To them it’s just completely normal. They have that longed for financial security x 1000, and still, they go through life with all its ups and downs.

I picked up a loved curry of Bhindi (okra) Masala and Chicken korma on the way home last night, with chapatis, which will last me a few days. Having the money to have delicious food cooked for me is such a treat which I appreciate.

Slept poorly again last night. Under 5 hours. Had toothache since the dentist last week too. A filling too near the nerve. He thinks it should settle down. Feeling tired a lot and these naps in the afternoon throw my sleep off. Been quite tired and not feeling all that well actually. Fed up with these grey days and winter has felt long. Starting to see signs of spring though.

I notice how I always have to end a moan with an optimistic positive, as if I’m not allowed to just feel a low mood. It’s okay that I acknowledge when I’m not feeling whoopity do da happy. Actually I’m hardly ever that. The joy I experience is a quieter kind.

There’s the struggling family upstairs, suffering happening I am aware of and hear. Some kind of conflict going on this morning.

And 3 clients cancelling today shows me that’s not a reliable income yet. And I still need the garden business. So a sense of being trapped. I know that’s just the negative side of it all….sometimes I feel like having a moan….and Yes I have lovely fabulous team of men. I get to meet nice people, and I’m fortunate to have a skill that people are willing to pay for. All three therapy of today’s clients cancelled their appointment today – one having an operation, another working away and another taking his sister for a holiday.

I’m at a loose end, wondering what to do today. Been chasing up some money owed by one client. Who keeps saying she will pay and keeps not. Maybe she will this time. It’s over £1000, not nothing! And answering emails and enquiries. The sofa beckons though.

How can I make a difference in somebody’s life today? that’s mostly what I’m seeking these days.

I can start with me. What difference can I make in my life today, this moment? And the dog. I can give her affection which is always received well.

I can state that I love and accept myself fully. I support and admire and respect myself.

I am grateful I keep myself safe and have some stability amid so much change around in the world.

I am willing to make changes and adjustments to be more kind to myself. Like deleting my Twitter account last week. This has been surprisingly hard actually, and good for me too, my attention was getting too absorbed in those ideological ‘woke’ battles and specifics of the world out there going badly and was not kind to myself or happy making.

I do have enough money. I can pay my bills and while my worries take me to scary places, it’s actually all okay. I don’t have much but I have enough.

I have some lovely people around me, I’m so grateful for their company and love. I feel so alone at times and my small group alleviates that. Such a nice feeling to have people on your side.

There’s nature on my doorstep. I’ll go there today, maybe on my bike.

There’s the upstairs flat noise going to be sorted soon. something to look forward to.

Just the simple act of putting my hand on my chest and saying I love you, I’m here for you, you are safe, makes a big difference.

And have Okra for breakfast. Yum. A lie on the sofa then I need to go out and be in nature.

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