Stalking the Ego

Beautiful long sleep from before 10pm till 5 or at 6 and listened to Eckhart Tolle in bed. With my tea and the dog beside me, cosy, warm and happy and savouring every precious moment of it. As if I’ve just arrived and woken up for the very first time. And that seems to be true every single time I remember just to be. At ease. No resistance. Allow the peace. Release the sense of contraction.

Yesterday happenings started with a therapy client, then an hour at the dentist. What a privilege and honour to have the best of care, to be looked after, I appreciated it. No hole in tooth now. Thank you.

Then got the dog and met E and we spent a couple of hours in the park. Chatting, being still, walking, sitting, appreciating. and I saw the first frogspawn of the year which is a symbolic seasonal turning point for me. New life emerging after the quiet of winter. We had a picnic outside shared with the crows, sour dough bread, carrot soup and a toasted cheese sandwich.

On considering the company I keep online, I deleted my Twitter account. A little tidy up of the attentional distractions. Prefer to spend the time repotting my freshly rooted house plants. Which I did yesterday and enjoyed. Simple life.

Home and resting on the sofa, a lovely therapy session with a client. All about love and positive self regard, recognising the inner critic (Judge Judy). And the importance of daily practice to help with undoing the old habits of self depreciation and feelings of inadequacy.

Had a session with a long term client in the morning too. Last week was a shocker, for us both. He said he was so angry he was going to terminate our association. I was right and he didn’t want to hear what I said. Facing that his addiction to porn is negatively effecting his life and relationship. I like how honest he can be.

Ego manoeuvres noticed yesterday? Aware even writing these the ego kind of enjoys the virtue signalling aspect of it. Look how evolved I am, I can even spot my ego manoeuvres. Well a decent catch yesterday, here’s the main ones.

– Urge to tell E about increasing my practice of ego observing. I noticed how it came up as a thought and I looked for an opening to say it. Noticing and didn’t. Motive was wanting approval, and showing off how wise I am. How devoted to and skilled at being aware. And I love and accept myself fully

– I noticed I wanted to tell someone that I paid a lot for my tooth filling. Boasting about having the money to have a private dentist. Social positioning. I had decided not to. But when E asked who my dentist was as he needs a new one, it was the first thing out my mouth, that he’s a private dentist and what the filling cost. He said he always goes private and thought it was a good price. But anyway I saw myself there. Boasting and social status and hierarchy positioning. The pseudo personality identity is attached to and strengthened by being middle class. And I love and accept myself fully

– I had quite a negative rant about several politicians with E. I was a little effected we agreed by the anaesthetic drug from the dentist. But still, that just made what’s in more easy to be expressed.

When I’m putting another down, I’m attempting to position myself as ‘more right’. Superior. Buying my innocence at the cost of another’s guilt. That goes for any criticism of anybody. And I love and accept myself fully

– I told a couple of people about hanging out recently with a trans person. I’ve noticed the strong urge to mention it to several people who know my views that I don’t actually believe that a man can be a woman. What could be the motive. Virtue signally to those who know my views. That I treat others as individuals and hold no malice to men calling themselves women even though I don’t buy that belief.

I asked chat gpt nailed it! Attention-seeking: Sharing information about hanging out with a trans woman, regardless of one’s beliefs about gender identity, may be a way of seeking attention or validation from others. This can be a way of boosting one’s self-esteem or feeling more important or interesting.

Stalking my ego! So interesting. I feel like a predator stalking it’s prey. I know the ego is not exactly the enemy, it’s just doing what it does, some of which is to protect a sense of identity and sense of power. Love to the dear beleaguered ego.

First frogspawn of the year

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