Woke up having a dream I was fighting with robots, (and winning!). Had watched iRobot last night with Will Smith. I fell asleep to Eckhart Tolle on YouTube and the video automatically ran on to one called something like ‘we are all going to die’ by Eliezer Yudkowsky about AI and specifically AGI causing the demise of humans. Wow that was quite dramatic so I turned it off. Awoke a bit jittery this morning. Do I really want to focus on some new fear inducing potential catastrophe? There are so many to choose from already.
It has brought the ‘fight’ inside to the forefront of attention.
Theres a full on confrontation with my choice of what I expose myself to and digest online – there’s some sort of battle going on inside. Do I want to increase my fear and reactivity (me as agitated wave) or my love and peace (me as ocean).
The attraction of distress. The fear of joy. I watch as I am drawn toward the controversial, the reactivity inducing, which then gives birth to those types of thoughts about the world and others as separate and me as alone. Fear.
Then I submerge in the beauty of nature, appreciation for each precious second and each small simple experience, slowed down living. Breathing properly, regulating the emotional waves as they come and go like tending a garden.
And indeed back at my own little garden yesterday, some more planting and tidying and getting my hands in the mud, feeding the birds. And just being and looking. A little friendly chat with an allotment neighbour.
So simple yet so hard. The regressive pull and a resistance is evoked at each step into dissolution of selfing. I see that desire to re-establish self and a special identity as self, and every day it arises in one form or another. In my thoughts too – I like this I like that, this should be happening, they shouldn’t, what if this bad thing happens….and suchlike.
In my therapy sessions there’s a desire to share about me and my experience. Most often with a reason of illustrating a useful point, and sometimes tumbling into an automatic desire to just share who I am. Or some opinion I identify with. Boosting my ‘special’ identity by sharing it. Which isn’t what I’m there for. It’s beneficial to notice.
Ruthless honesty is a requirement.
The attraction to expansive open spacious awareness has become more attractive and less scary now too. I am directly experiencing the accumulative benefits, even if they are way more subtle, not so immediate, but establish a resilience for dealing with circumstantial specifics, especially reaction inducing ones. There are no instant dopamine hits to be had here. Just relaxing into aware space.
In that state I went through to the living room for a read yesterday and lay hearing the tv upstairs, the footsteps the voices and I just was fine with it, liked it even. Neighbours living their lives. Cosy crowded city living. No reactiveness, no this shouldn’t be happening, I’d rather have silence. No preferences. Just acceptance. Interesting to observe.
The sour bread toast burns as I write here. I scrape it in the sink with a knife and enjoy the textural experience of the scraping. No rush. Just present for it. Enjoy the cleaning of the sink after, making it shiny again…..and then the spreading of the marmalade.
Abundance all around. Food, heat, electricity, clean water, nutritious company, love, nature, enough money, an opportunity to help, safety, health, beauty, comfort, wise guidance of teachers and nearly every wisdom book ever written at our fingertips online. Thank you.
Got a therapy client shortly, the dentist then a walk in the park with E and mother therapy client this evening, and in between maybe that design gets progressed. The days flow by.
Learning to Rest with it All 