The Little Things

The little experiences. The ordinary moments. I notice clearly that if I take care of those with care and love and without much wish for result, life opens up and I relax and feel better. Less grabbing at a ‘better’ future and more attending to the present with love.

The way I take action around the house, with love and patience or with haste and a wish to get to the next moment.

How I breathe as I am going about day to day business.

How I talk to myself, the thoughts I let run unchecked. When putting the kettle on, or in the loo, or making the bed or getting dressed. The thoughts I give awareness to.

Conscious purposeful positive self talk. This morning in bed. I notice a worry thought wanting to grab my attention. I take my attention elsewhere. I have one hand on my chest and another on my stomach, consciously breathing. I love you, you are safe, I am here for you and you are supported.

There have been noticeably fewer worry thoughts the last few days.

And those that arrive are more noticeable due to the inner head space. I have a little one tugging at me to get the next design done. The worry is concerned about not having a next project lined up. As usual. There’s another worry that nags about keeping an eye on finances of the current project. Just paid the wages. Chasing up 2 invoices from a skip company. 5 times I’ve had to call. Sent the measurements and paid for the pond liner. Going to order the lights and pumps on the 1st March, that gives me an extra month to pay.

Yesterday an encounter lasting about 4 hours with my old boss T. We went to the plant nursery, and visited my mum. He is a delightful positive upbeat larger than life character, who I found somewhat overwhelming as he talks a lot lot lot and much of it unnecessary mundane detail. Much as I enjoyed the friendly fondness we have for each other, there’s also always a flirtation element that comes from him with me. Just find that odd. I came back here and slept from 3.30-5pm on the sofa.

There’s all these people I know who I’m not seeing just now. That I don’t have the inclination or energy for somehow. Just going with it.

Before that was a therapy client, a tricky encounter, as we touched on his childhood trauma and the effect of that on his lifelong depression and anxiety. I asked his permission and pushed it lightly as he changes the subject. He has been resisting my suggestions for a lot of the time and seems to enjoy proving me wrong, likes it’s a little victory. I sense a slight aggression, wonder if he is doing some sort of transference. Seeing me as a parent.

Today I have a therapy client soon, then a trip through to Edinburgh to see the client and the men, glad to be doing that. Like a bit of motion and an opportunity to listen to some wisdom talk as I go. Aware of the unnecessary detail I write here too. I’ve got in mind looking back in 10 years, I’m not sure why I want to do that.