…and Truth be the master of my life.
Feeling slightly on edge still and thinking perhaps it’s time to turn towards it and accept it. I am rarely completely relaxed and part of me fights that. I’ve experienced the contrast. Which seems to add to the resistance as I’ve seen how life can be.
That resistance could even be the contraction pain itself that I experience. Resistance to what is. It could be that I have a nervous system somewhat traumatised from an early age which is why it has taken me so long to calm down and why I’m so susceptible to anxiety. So the ego has found a sneaky way in for ‘self rejection’. By experiencing anxious states that are uncomfortable and I don’t want to be experiencing, I’m in a state of self rejection. Contracting away. I wish I were complete relaxed and back in that beautiful expansive state of love.
Wanting things to be other than they are is a dead end. Not happy-producing. So maybe that’s my next project to really cosy up next to anxiety and make friends with it fully and love and care for it like the scared little child it is.
There are these weeks and weeks of ultra expansive states, of feeling deeply at home in myself, trusting in the world. I feel so much more my real self then. When fear is absent. I don’t feel separate or alone, and there’s love in abundance for everything and appreciation. I know it’s there all the time underneath.
A friend R visited yesterday for a couple of hours. Was enjoyable but for the content of some of his chat. Along the lines of conspiracy theories. I know a lot of these have actually turned out to be true, I hope he is wrong about an elite cabal out to destabilise western civilisation to gain full control. I feel a bit disappointed as he used to be a reliable reference point for me to some extent. I prefer more zoomed out more abstract conversations. We talked some interesting stuff about vibration, sound and higher states. At least that’s a topic that has opened up I can flow with a bit easier.
It seems that I am gradually forsaking all close friendships – in the sense of trying to reach any loyalty of ideas or consensus with them. Was nice to have that alliance when younger, to have the ‘belonging needs’ box ticked. It’s a dead end that does not lead to truth.
No horizontal allegiances work, only vertical allegiance. Getting belonging needs from a less tangible place. The Gayatri – Tat savitur varnyam, bhargo devasya dimahi. Di yo yo na prachodyat. Excuse the spelling errors. And sometimes I find myself just saying look for the joy of turning to the creator. Or ‘I raise my heart to the Lord’. I do t mind which religion I’m using, they are mean the same. Surrender to the higher Will which is my real will.
If it’s the truth at any price that guides as a core principle, the price can be comfort, acceptance, friendships, group identity, and of course personal identity. Actually nearly everything. It can weigh a bit heavy that. To say the least.
Then I remember to pray. The invisible, the eternal, the soundless.
I’m grateful and even impressed that I’ve managed to keep my balance navigating all this. Other than straying now and then over the years. I have kept a pretty consistent path of dissolving the self.
My ego and personality regularly have fits about it. It’s an agony. I’ve learned to lean back more in side, and still learning that.