Awake at 6ish, and some part was feeling anxious and I had to take action before it was escalated by more worry thoughts. I could sense a whole damn queue of them lining up! ‘Oh look she’s still sleepy and vulnerable let’s get in there!’ So I breathed deeply, I put my hand over my chest and said
You’re safe, you’re well, I love you, I’m here for you.
I changed position and felt right into my body, wriggled my toes, and watched as I breathed in and out and in out, and continued to follow the breath.
That worked to settle those anxious parts. Temporarily.
Then it arrived again. Some other random potentially anxiety producing thought. So back into the conscious breathing, out of the head and into the body, a hand on the chest and I say
I’m here for you, you are safe, you are loved.
Thoughts of concern about this and that kept coming from slightly different angles, honestly it was any old random thing it could think of, some immediate or some vague danger, edging me on to be worried and anxious. So each time I dropped into the body, followed the breathing consciously and kept at it. I chose not to believe the thoughts.
This is what happens on the conscious path. Everything that needs addressed comes up to be dealt with. Testing and more testing. Facing it all. Letting go and more letting go. It takes nerves of steel to go through what feels like a trial by fire at times. That was a mini one this morning.
Now I’m at the kitchen table with a cup of tea. Have a therapy client in an hour. I’m breathing consciously. Listening to a wonderful talk about the inner critic that popped up on YouTube this morning. Serendipity.
Yesterday, a touch of drama and the labourer employee is now no longer employed and I feel relieved. Much as I dearly liked him, he was super unstable, not very good at the job and hard for the men to be around. He asked me more or less to be on call for guidance. I suggested he read the book I gave him. It was about how to love yourself.
The main relief is that it is one less mouth to feed for me. That saves me over £26k a year. Good good. Now down to three fully and and 2 self employed. Delighted.
Now the aim is to get the supplier bills down as much as possible, leaving me free to depart at any point. Hmmm I do have 2 years to pay a van left on HP and a small bank loan. Smallish amounts. Might take a while but I will edge bit by bit in that direction so that o don’t owe anything. Meantime I just got an £800 van repair bill. All that sort of stuff is constantly going on. I remind myself to congratulate myself on the feat of running a business alone. Been so hard at times. But relieved to have lightened the employee responsibility meantime. Step in the right direction. I really love the sense of movement and progress. And that has been lacking in this business, it’s more like struggling to stay afloat.
Feeling a bit bamboozled and at times smashed up by what I observe ‘out there’ in the world. I know it’s a pointless focal point, and what I do second to second counts. Covid changed something. Or accelerated it. The cloak of fear descended and I’m not sure we have woken up out of it yet.
Anyway….yesterday I was feeling happy before that employee departed too, and had a beautiful walk up the river singing away, a made up song to the dog. Then lentil soup, tea and flapjack. Very intense therapy session in the morning, I guess they all are, and we made strides together, was very good. Felt happy after that.
So to follow that sense of what makes us feel joyful, happy and fulfilled. I’m getting ready to increase my therapy clients now a little more. I like what I feel when I’m doing something to help people.
What energises? Uplifts….fulfils, opens the heart….brings joy. The thought of being or doing what is exciting, supports us and others…increases beauty.