In the shower noticing

In the shower noticing the feeling of the water spraying on my head, the little rivulets running over the skin, the warmth, the sound, the steam. It feels so good to take a break from the internal dialogue.

A break from this very busy mind. There has been a lot to think about lately. And yet I also know I could get by even happier without 90% of the thinking addiction. Im so much freer and happier and more alive without thinking.

I’ve been low level anxious the last week, not like before and not enough to extinguish coming from my heart mostly, but I see it in how I have been back on the nail biting. I have a lot of suppliers wanting money. Nobody getting nasty but it’s piling up and up. And money on one project is a dribble in comparison to what is really needed which is a nice big flow, which is why getting a yes for this big job would be fabulous.

The client still hasn’t responded to the price. I notice self doubt creeping in….whispers of you should have done this and that, you should not have done that. Did I sabotage myself in some way I didn’t notice?

Yes yes I hear you. It’s fine either way. I just spoke to the clients interior designer this morning, and sent a report. Thinking he would have if it was a no from him, but maybe not as he wants the yield of ideas from the two of us.

I suppose he will have to reply quite quickly now and I’ll hear either way. Business! Exciting, terrifying, satisfying, exuberating with the wins, disappointing with the losses. It’s been mostly the latter for a long time which is why my moral is low and I’ve lost some of my enthusiasm. Optimism has been dented. This while covid nonsense really knocked lumps out of the business, which was already running lean. Anyway…

All these little life experiences that arrive are training exercises. That help us to notice our areas of reactivity. That’s the prize. Noticing and awareness within reactivity. Oh look I’m reacting this way! How interesting, what does this show me. And let go. No condemnation.

This morning I had a little mini self celebration of achievement with my savings which are the highest they have been for a couple of years. I tuned into the feeling of abundance and savoured it.

I noticed writing that I felt the urge to minimise the amount. To tell you how little it is in case someone might think badly of me. A contracted feeling, a fear what others might think. How interesting, a small reactivity to notice.

Got a therapy client shortly on Zoom, then a dog park walk and back to start the next design, then dog groomer at 3.

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