Facing it All

Thank you for being here, it’s good to have your company”, I say to Elsa when she comes over for a pat. It sure is great and wonderful having a beautiful loving animal around.

There’s an undertone of anxiety again today. My brain detects this arousal energy and starts to look for a probable cause so that it can solve it for me.

That is how I get on these loops about business. It’s an easy go-to for reasons to be stressed. And there is some truth is it, but I wonder what if there was no business. Would the brain just come up with something else as a ‘reason’….anyway, this is the reason it gave again this morning.

It’s the start of the week after a long lovely relaxed weekend. There’s 4 men on one project finishing it, and 2 going 50 miles away to start the new project. Since I’m responsible for what happens on these projects, there’s always a sense of part of me out there, even though I’m sitting here at the kitchen table. I’ve already answered one question from one, and answered an email to another and paid him for a tool.

Yesterday I had another complaining and asking not to go to the far way job. Gave him the best assurance I could but no guarantee, we all have to go where the work takes us. Day before was the old foreman wanting to come back. I was frank about wanting out. So I guess that’s no longer a rumour since I’ve said it to him and M. I worry about getting out without bankruptcy, as I want to keep the design side and keep it all as dignified as possible.

There’s a second job supposed to run concurrently with this complex far away one. Im in the final stage of designing it. Have to meet their architect this week, and the cad technician is doing the drawings right now. Just texted her about the fence. She asked for a pay rise so she’s on £18 an hour now. Was £15. And I’ve written most of the specification and have to price it. So much detail.

A friend texted yesterday and I was going to meet him yesterday after my walk. After having an extra long walk that I didn’t really want to have to give him time to arrive and then sitting for 20 mins waiting I decided to leave. He has done this before, the late thing and it doesn’t work for me.

I am astounded to discover just how insecure I can be. It’s been an eye opener. In the dense thicket of stress the last couple of weeks every insecurity possible to mankind has popped up. Over explaining myself, noticing wanting to feel superior at times, worrying what others think, extra perturbed by people annoyed with me (2 construction clients and a friend right now), talking instead if listening with therapy clients at times to avoid the silence, kind of ‘scripted’ talking with friends, extra irritable about the neighbours. Subject to every other insane thought that pops into my head. There’s work to do.

That is, up the loving and accepting myself into expansion.

Alongside all that fear driven insecurity came judging myself for it. Feeling ashamed that I’m letting myself down and others possibly too by not being my best self. Doubting myself, as I could feel I was a bit ‘off’ and not coming from the heart. The mind was even suggesting there might be something wrong with me. Something I haven’t diagnosed and can never change. Permanent damage. Some diagnosis of adhd or something similar. Those kind of final judgements that kill optimism. I was and still am to lesser extent though, going nuts with the squeaking floorboards upstairs. As fate would have it they have some medical problems and there have been many more people going in and out so far more noise. I’m extra susceptible when I’m anxious and my nerves are on edge. These are the tests that come to those devoted to the truth.

There needs to be support during these times.

The only thing I was able to open to find support and refuge in was to breath and to say the Gayatri a few times. That breaks the spell. It demonstrates to myself that no matter what depths I’ve descended into I’m still here. And Elsa was a balm, and nature soothed.

I love you, I’m here for you, I forgive you completely

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