Slowly returning to myself. Managed some self kindness practices this morning before I got up. Hand on the chest, other on the belly, breathing from down low. I’m here for you, you are safe, I love you. Listened to a meditation in nature video.

I see from my experience of the last few day how fear interferes with that sense of connection with my heart, with others, with nature, with everything. Big contraction. The loss of confidence. The feeling of free fall away from unity and love. The fixation on and attraction to the minutia of everyday life. To current events. The almost physical repulsion for any spiritual material online. I couldn’t access it.

All part of the process of learning to retain confidence and steadiness and stability within the state of love and peace. I am surprised how much I lost confidence. How I doubted myself, criticised myself, became frozen in fear.

It will take me a while I think to recover. Superficially I did some damage to my equipment inside. Though nothing real can ever be damaged. I would love all of me to just get on board with that. The power of the fight flight mechanism is so strong and it hijacked my equipment. Snapped the antennae.

Running out of money is a massive trigger. I was unable to rationalise about it. The reality is that I have enough personal money if I had to, to bail the business out. So there was no actual real danger. Though that would be a big ‘failure’ and prove the business is not viable. And leave me without any backup.

I reacted as if there was a real threat to life danger. It’s not a working functional business if I have to bail it out. That’s a big warning sign. I already pay myself less than the foreman. I am in overdraft. Not out of the woods yet. Yes there’s signs of spring and a way out. Weekly turnover for the next 12 weeks. It won’t be instant though. Once again I will have to work my way out. Pay a bit here a bit there. It will take a few weeks and then I have the clash of using this projects deposit and first weeks money partly to pay for the last project, to pay the suppliers or the HMRC bill. And I need to keep in mind the project will have bills and wages to pay.

This manifesting of ‘not enough money’, which I seem to do on a regular basis. Why do I still do that?

I had an amazing unexpectedly deep sharing of ourselves conversation with that new client whose project we start next week. She teaches at the school of philosophy and is deep into meditation and Buddhism. Wow. Really fabulous! What a sign from the universe.

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