There’s the periodic chirp of a fire alarm whose battery has died in one of the neighbouring flats. I’m surrounded by people in this apartment block. Above sides and below. Right now it’s 6am and almost silent other than the smoke alarm chirping away. Decided not to try and get anything done about it and take it as a training exercise. Headache day 3.
Upstairs is another matter. I was flat out working yesterday and the clomping above me and the squeaking. Council worker guys were up in hazmat suits removing stuff. Horrible disgusting stuff and so much hoarded rubbish. To be living below people who live like that. I feel for them though, kind of deprived family with mental and physical health issues.
I was already stressed to my eyeballs doing the costing and realising it was £12k more…so seriously anxious….prime time for blowing a gasket. I actually did text the people upstairs to ask them to get it sorted and saying that I would pay to fix the floorboards.
Maybe it was fate it went to the wrong number and they didn’t receive it. That was me at the point where I feel compelled to act. Lost any sense or idea of just dealing with it with equanimity.
Existing client paid and I’m lifted a few K out of overdraft, enough to pay the men. Slight improvement. The job didn’t make money. Too low a price and we just about broke even. That’s okay, it paid us all a wage. And it was all that was available.
Today I may have overextended myself. I have to be on standby for the plants to arrive and to position them with the help of the men. Yet arranged to meet P for a walk at 10.30 then to visit W at 12.30. Something has to not happen. Plus I’m mid finalising another design for V to draw up.
Got JM wanting a meeting on Saturday, he wants to come back to join us. Though it’s not where I want to go…back where I was with 2 teams. I stopped that due to the stress of it before. It’s double the designing, double the clients I need to keep them all in work, double the potential problems.
I experienced a welcome reduction in stress last night after getting the go ahead for the project. It hasn’t entirely disappeared. Perhaps I will find that optimum alert aware level of stress, which is really a kind of excitement, rather than all out overwhelming anxiety. Awake early, and in bed drinking tea and making art on Midjourney since 5am.
So £7k a week turnover for 3 months. Not an easy one though. The new project is complex and expensive. And not in my city. We will all have to travel once a week at least an hour each way. It will require my attention. Then the other one I’m thinking of doing at the same time…it’s large. And requires a second team. I don’t have to do that. But the client wants us to start and the 2 self employed men want the work, and J wants a job back.
I’m embroiled in earthly matters. Oh look at that language. Victim status. I have decided to embroil myself in earthly matters. Whole different slant.
Had a therapy client yesterday and none today or tomorrow. I was fine, not exactly plugged into my highest self but able to conduct the session. Headspace for the rest of this stuff I’m organising. Third survey came though so will start that soon. I’m thinking I’ve got a flurry of activity for a month design wise and then rest of the year will be taken care of. Not if I have 2 teams though. Rearranged today, walk with P in the park, cancelled W and going after the park to lay out plants.
Later. 1pm. Did the walk with P, then laid out the plants with the guys. Client seems happy. I had a chat with M, the foreman.
I just came right out with it.
I’m not enjoying this any more.
And he said he has seen it in me for a while. I also said that I don’t want to be doing this much longer. Think that was a bit shocking, especially when I started talking about options for them starting their own business and being self employed. That’s it out there now. Something is guiding me to do this very strongly. It’s as if I have no choice. Really like M a lot, a very lot. He’s such a noble man.
Bottom line is that it’s not worth it to me. The rewards are not adequate. The handling of hundreds of thousands a year and ending up with nearly nothing except some great photos. Not doing it any more. Still got the headache.
Learning to Rest with it All 