Thought I’d imagine a happy future scenario, removing some of what I don’t want and replacing with what I do. However ‘loving what is’ is basically my religion so this sort of exercise does clash with that a bit.
I’m going to just do this experiment and explore my thoughts. What if…..20 clients a week is 4 clients a day for 5 days and with 4 at the low income rate. That’s very doable. 2 in the morning and 2 in the late afternoon. Times 46 weeks (leaving 6 off). And I only have to add 7 or 8 more clients. Reassuring.
Plus I’d have any design fees with the business minus construction. Which might be about £10k. If I choose to carry on designing. All sounds good.
The fears? I feel fear about letting a main focus, my business for so many years, go. Also have a fear of seeing clients as my bread and butter.
So aim for the business going to design only by September. That’s perhaps optimistic, but I’ll send that out there to the Force as a wish. I’d rather not go through another painful short-of-money-winter.
I’ve been submerging myself in the whole trans debate the last couple of days, previously I have never gave it much attention. Men who call themselves women are not women. I could be prosecuted for that! How strange.
Off to meet a client at the nursery shortly to choose plants. Got a looming deadline coming up, end of job and money from that job on Friday. Where will we be next week? I feel anxiety again today. Spent over 2 hours with a client choosing plants this morning. Then met E. I was too anxious though, not very present. He started talking about not wanting to hear people moaning and that shut me down a bit. I started talking about the trans thing. It clashed a bit. Then N came and started talking superficial which I so don’t have the energy for even when I’m feeling at my best. I just walked away myself. When I’m this far gone in anxiety social encounters are often painful. Sat in anxiety with P the other day too. I didn’t like it. Met up with E and N later and decided just to come home. Was close to tears.
Got a meeting with my business mentor at 3pm. Feel to anxious for that too but will go. Maybe talking it through will help. It is usually the same every year. Go into some debt to keep going in the bad weather then spend months recovering.
Learning to Rest with it All 