Hello again Anxiety

Awoke with disturbed feelings amid a vivid dream about C. The theme was me trying to get love and him with holding it. That old pattern.

Further painful memories were revisited, a little recapitulation on his behaviour towards me, mine towards others that I’m not proud of. I love and forgive myself more which helps. The effect of my adventuring and my relationship with C on T. Then bringing the guy back here and marrying him. Jeez. Trying to make something good out of it, to resolve it further. And that worked to some extent.

Gave myself a present this morning for my keys, a daily reminder that I can be here in a loving supportive capacity for myself and others.

He didn’t hold back this holiday on how it all effected him. I’m glad to say he is looking at it all. I noticed I wasn’t upset this time. There were many other conversations too. It was good having him around for 3 weeks, and I’m feeling his absence. And wondering how he is in this somewhat lost phase of his life.

So the mind is on a roll and goes on a little inner tour of further events it considers ‘aren’t going right’. Or are potential threats.

An all happening week ahead. A diminished supply of £ having had 2 weeks holiday with no income and having to pay the men’s wages for 2 weeks. Business account overdrawn now. Haven’t paid myself for 2 weeks, relying in backup. I’m okay personally financially with the xmas money my mum gave me.

Suppliers are asking for £, I ignored one call and told the other they will have to wait. Men back at work today, starting right now 8am. I have a lot of therapy clients this week. There’s an appointment with the neurosurgeon consultant about this unburst aneurism in my head, a dog groomer appointment. Star angle to say those two in the same sentence, but it’s stuff that I need to do. There’s a a new garden client to meet, 2 gardens to design. That I haven’t got round to as I have a resistance, heart not fully in it. Or something. And there’s my friend’s son K whose well-being and safety I am concerned about.

There’s my mum I haven’t seen since Xmas and the very uncomfortable experience of the constant instructions and corrections morning to night. Was an endurance experience. My son didn’t want to see her before he went though he did go for a dinner. We talked about it but doing things out of duty when we really don’t want to?

Her 80th birthday this coming weekend. Sister and her family coming up. Sister hasn’t contacted me, I imagine doesn’t want to hear about my difficulties with our mum. She lives nice and far away and has a happy life down there and I’m sure has her own stuff to deal with.

I haven’t been moved contact a few people recently, friends….have been feeling full up with all the socialising and recovering. Got a squeezed feeling inside.

I’ve been busy this morning taking actions to love and comfort myself. This is the blessing that comes with painful feelings. They send out an alert that care and kindness and love are being called for. I’m feeling various uncomfortable emotions this morning.

When new levels of love and calmness are arrived at inside, it gives permission for another level of sweeping of the older difficult stuff. Anything that is still standing in the way of full forgiveness and acceptance.

I was reading this book that Ewan lent to me. Very hard read and beautiful. People who have been through the most awful experiences and have found a way of forgiving.

Later-I just spoke to 2 therapy clients and feel much more at ease. The residue of those memories and worries quickly dissipate amid real issues, and the joy of working in close communion with others towards their and so our emancipation.

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