Taking risks, trusting…

The dissolution of individual self, as that happens I am more free to be really myself. Free of fear running the show. What a process!

I’d like to say a big well done to myself for having a direct conversation with my mum and remaining perfectly seated in an open heart and staying balanced, not reactive. Even though it was natural and effortless. She arrived here and started criticising my cousin and her son and I said ‘Mum, this is not the place to bring this sort of conversation’. She protested ‘Well can’t I just let off steam a bit”. “No, not here, take it to someone else”. She was not happy about that but let it go and we changed the subject.

Later I mentioned she was being horrible the last time I spoke to her. She denied it, till I filled in the rest of the conversation and then couldn’t deny it. I had opened up about feeling guilty about not visiting Una more often, my friend’s mum with dementia. And who was close to me and our family at one point for some years.

Her reply was “I don’t think you’re a person with much of a social conscience”.

“Mmm, well I’m a therapist and counsellor so that would suggest otherwise”, I say.

“That doesn’t count, you get paid for that” she retorts with an edge in her tone.

She accepts she said it and gets it. I think it’s important she takes the hint that she won’t see much of me if she behaves like that. The last 6 months at least she has been jaggy and she saw a lot more of me when she was friendly.

I suspect she thinks I should visit her more and that makes her resentful and jaggy when I see her which makes me visit less. I don’t enjoy visiting her much when she is being friendly even, we don’t have anything much in common and she isn’t very interested in my life. And she isn’t doing much to be interested in.

I’ve been feeling a little thrown off centre the last couple of days by other things so it was good to see I could stay calm and kind during that. That it was so natural. I have forgiven her for the past, but that doesn’t mean I want to expose myself to more toxic behaviour now.

What wobbled me? Over the weekend, I started recording myself speaking with a teleprompter and filming it. With a view to doing short helpful YouTube videos.

What a learning curve, though already becoming more natural. Think there’s a skill to learn to be able to read a script and sound and looking natural. It did evoke some self criticism. I was feeling fear. Also comparison as I looked at one young beautiful face after the next on YouTube as I was doing my research. Barely anyone over 35 never mind over 55! Oh yes, I’m an old person, I forgot about that when I first thought about it! A small shock. I can get over that…and I found a position and lighting that I was happy with.

I’m happy to be on an adventure into and through one of my biggest fears, that of ‘performing’. I love that I’m doing that. And look forward to my first YouTube video going live.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s