‘I love you, I’m here for you, you are valued…’

Grateful for this moment. It is peaceful, nothing awful is happening in close proximity, it’s warm enough, and there’s a cup of tea and an oatcake. A simple life. My friend P has just texted to announce the arrival of his baby. New miraculous life.

All seems just fine without thought. There’s just being and appreciating being. Even uncomfortable being. Like this morning. I felt some anxiety and also then sadness. My son was in contact asking about the depression he is experiencing. Feels very low.

He got a barrage of learn to love yourself injunctions from me. Lot lot of resistance to that. Hope a seed was dropped at least. I’ve never found him that easy to reach on a deep personal growth level.

By his age I’d already had over 10 years of soulsearching and trying to find myself and the truth and was lapping up anything I could that might give illumination to my darkness and confusion. I was excited about it too while I was also in pain. The pain propelled me on a huge adventure to find out what was going on. He just seems so deflated, low and down so often and drinks to numb. What he does to numb the pain makes it worse. And I watch this from a distance. I don’t know how that is like, using substances to that extent. To feel that lacking in motivation. Did I help? I do t know. I fear where he could take this, it has been years of it now. I have to trust that I can handle any outcome and accept his choices. Perhaps the magic of the drops of self love and acceptance will find their way in deeply and do their work.

Then some memories of my son’s dad S arose. His behaviour was horrible at times, well regularly. Extreme. Drugs. Volatile. Sweet then sour. Bad temper. Perhaps even BPD. I allowed a little recapitulation, had a sense that maybe some stored stuff was left over and needed released. Maybe, I don’t know. Was so long ago. He wasn’t part of our lives for long after my son was born. I did try and try though.

As I lay there letting all this arise, I allowed any feelings to be physically felt as sensations. Hand on heart, I say to myself inside, “I love you, I’m here for you, I’m with you, you are loved, you are not alone, I respect you”.

A 92/100 sleep that the Fitbit defined as ‘excellent’ last night. I love that little Fitbit, the encouragement it brings to look after myself. Weight exercise, sleep, breathing, heart rate, HRV, all that is recorded.

I’ve got 2 clients this morning. One online and then a walk and talk session in the park. 14 clients this coming 7 days! How did that happen. Most ever. And it feels just about entirely effortless. And all in the mornings. Most have been sent the list. I know it’s a gradual process, but there’s also no time to waste. We need to get with the truth that we are lovable.

Adjusted list. Still maybe needs some tweaking…I dont want to have any in it that completely turn people off using any of it. As in, not too sentimental sounding. And experimenting with a little repetition….any thoughts/feedback/additions would be welcome.

I love you

I’m here for you

I respect you

I care about you

I appreciate you

I like you

I value you

I trust you

I am here with you

You are held

You are safe

You are loved