Almost all day up I was noticeably comfortable in my own skin, and at ease with life. Couple of trigger points which I’ll mention below, yet mostly marvelling at how life can be so light, happy, trouble free inside. What a contrast to the angst that was so often experienced all my life. There’s a smoothness. A non-resistance. A natural gentle joyfulness and happiness. An absence of fear. When fear isn’t around the children can come out to play!
‘Nothing’s wrong! Nothing is wrong!” Wow. To be free from the sense that something is wrong all the time.
Instead a dominant sense that there’s nothing going wrong. The mind looked around for something, but nope. Nothing wrong. Life is going well. I’m safe. It’s okay.
This is the healing of trauma. That hyper vigilance for danger is learning that it is okay to relax. I can handle what life throws my way.
It’s not that troubling thoughts or feelings didn’t arrive, they did now and then.
Anxiety visited a couple of times, and I dropped into the feeling in the body. The sensation of it. And allowed it to be there, let it have space. And I seemed to have simply forgotten about it after doing that, probably just dissipated itself.
Went to sleep very at ease, happily playing with the AI generator doing happy joyful people (some of the pics below) and then had a very odd broken sleep. And woke with a big wave of anxiety appearing.
So I dropped into the boldly sensation of it. Gave it space, acknowledged it without resisting it. And again it must have gone on its own as I again forgot it was there after a few minutes.
I had a joyful time meeting my dear friend N’s dog which arrived yesterday all the way from New Zealand! We had a great chat, lunch and a walk in the park. However I noticed was very triggered into a feeling of disgust by the way he eats with his mouth wide open so you can see all the chewed up food inside as he is chewing it and often talking at the same time. He is 70 and has no idea. What to do. I mentioned it since I wasn’t looking at him.
I don’t want to try and correct the outside world to conform to my wishes so that I feel okay inside. I would rather get okay inside no matter what is happening. Life shows me where I need to heal further, and that’s an example.
And there’s my mum. Who can be warm and generous, can be nice but mostly pretty jaggy and easily becomes judgemental, critical, instructional. I don’t like being around her. She thinks I should visit her more, that makes her more resentful and angry. And less likely I’ll visit. That’s hovering around the background and I’m not sure how to proceed. Just being with that situation just now, see if there’s some guidance, asking for some guidance inside. What’s the sane loving way to be with it. Right now it’s sane and loving to myself not to be in her company.
So it’s not all roses, though the backdrop of well-being and happiness is increasingly present, within which all these little ripples of triggering incidents take place. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m home.
I really feel that I’m home, as in know it.
The unease this morning on awakening and in the night. I think it might be the resistance to this happiness coming up unconsciously. I’m not clear of fear, as I saw yesterday.