Shadow Notes

To be added to.

There’s some aspects of old conditioned negative responses and reflexes that I have in relation to others I want to look at.

A harsh judgement comes out quite regularly. I’d like to investigate and dissolve it and it’s pretty jaggy and unloving. Usually for something I have judged as ‘wrong’. Some rule of mine that they have broken.

Can be insignificant things like poor parking, or dropping litter, or making some noise. Usually is that type of thing.

Addition 16 Nov. If someone’s sound isn’t good on a video talk I can get annoyed often write a comment about it advising that it’s poor quality or needs sorted.

Or ‘violating’ some rule of ethics I hold as important.

Yes rule breaking it seems to revolve around.

I have been wanting to address it for a while and now that I sit down my mind has gone all quiet about it! It’s in hiding…doesn’t want to be exploded 😂

So to facilitate looking, let me identify what annoys me the most about my mum. This is what brought it to my attention in the first place actually.

I have a strong negative response to her own negative responses!

She has certain qualities that I find barely tolerable to be around. And perhaps some of these are the very qualities I’d like to address in myself.

This is going to sound pretty harsh, and I don’t want to defend into name calling but possibly will anyway….I dont like her personality very much at all. And I strongly suspect she definitely doesn’t like me much.

She is very insecure. She compensates for that with a big front with lots of outspoken shoulds and shouldnts. Strong tendency towards jealousy.

When I bumped into her visiting an old friend yesterday she was angry, that I wasn’t visiting her and don’t much.

She was not pleased to see me visiting this old friend. You might think she would be pleased for this friend. Instead it was related back to what she wants and isn’t getting. More visits or more attention from me. But she isn’t nice to be around.

She’s highly critical. If I ever bring up the men/employees she often jumps on some way, any excuse almost, to criticise them.

Think I’ll leave it there for now. Might add to it in the morning when feeling fresher. Got a friend coming round I need energy for.

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