Intangible anxiety for an hour on awaking.
Not a single thing in the daily life that would justify anxiety at all. Life is going well. I’m overall relaxed and more contented than ever. I have a steady income and can pay the living expenses. Health, diet, weight are all good. Get regular exercise. A few friends to connect deeply with. I have a lot of time to read, learn create when I don’t have to work. I have beautiful natural places around me to spend time in. It’s all good.
I think there’s still a part of me that resists this. That there’s no drama or big problems to solve. The old struggling and angst have dissolved as a way of being inside. That the inner contracting response is little by little relaxing as the physiology recognises that it’s safe to. Trauma unwinding itself slowly and helped by ‘inner bonding’. It is as if a wise encouraging benign inner parent has arisen.
It’s not an exciting time or anything. It’s a quiet time. Letting the changes brought by self love inside settle. This new level of being my own best friend. Takes some getting used to after being self critical and self rejecting for decades. Self despising and self hating too.
I’m okay with that, and I’m enjoying a quiet calm life as these changes take their place. I’ve seen how resistances/fear to this can come and react to life being this happy and relaxed. Is it safe?
The voice of the fear says : We don’t know how to behave with this happiness. It might make us react in unpredictable ways. It could make others uncomfortable. What if you start singing or dancing in the company if someone who knows you and isn’t used to you being like that? Where is this going to lead you, it’s all so unpredictable and unknown.
So another day, 2 therapy clients this morning. Spreading the message of being kind to ourselves, sharing practises for that and addressing their fears about that. All I do really with them. Then a walk in the park. It’s a beautiful day, and unseasonably warm at 16 degrees.