One trigger after the next the last few days! It has been painfully uncomfortable though feel grateful to the experience for showing me where I need to work on areas of reactivity. When reactive, I lose touch with Presence, with myself, with love, with guidance.
I wasn’t on top form yesterday as I still had the residue of anxiety in my body while with both clients. I was clunky and the words came from me and my brain instead of through me. So a bit scripty, and I interrupted more. The script isn’t awful so they still got something from it. I just wasn’t flowing smoothly. One was delighted to hear about the fact that we have evolved to look out for bears behind bushes, so the fearfulness isn’t exactly our fault, and we can feel compassion for ourselves in this predicament of being easily scared.
I forgive myself and love and accept myself regardless. And take note, that this inner process is not just for me, that other people benefit too. When ‘I’ am out of the way and standing aside, I can be more beneficial.
In the shower earlier I was ruminating away about the latest drama at work.
I noticed and took my attention to what was being experienced by the senses in this present moment.
The water coming out of the shower head. The feeling of it on my skin. The steam, the sounds.
I started touching and thanking each part of my body. The thighs, then the knees and then calves, then took my hands down to my toes individually thanking them, then the ankles and back up to the tummy and bum and chest and shoulders, head face and ears and neck.
One guy found out that the other guys got a recent pay rise, and wanted paid the same. I said no because he is a labourer and the others do skilled building work and should get paid a bit more. Also that he got a 15% raise he asked in spring. And he doesn’t turn up for full weeks mostly. He threatened to leave. Then the guy he drives to work said he’d pay him out of his wages, as he’d have to leave too without a way of getting to work. Oh my. Having employees. Dealing with client’s personalities. Navigating being fair.
Thank you to each part for being there and supporting my life. Wonderful. Back to being present and no longer lost on the tempting ruminations of thought the the subsequent physiological disturbance it brings.
Yesterday turned out to be quite unusual. A visit to site and saw M, the job is going well. Then to the park and had a beautiful walk, and lay down in the field with the cows in the full warmth of the beaming sunshine. and stayed there watching the crows fly around and having baths in the pond in front of me.
Then a little food shopping. Came back out to find a lady in her 60s lying on the ground beside my car. She had fallen and was very drunk. I offered to take her home and the man in the shop helped her into the car, he had to carry her practically. She lived quite far and was delighted and appreciative of the lift. Too drink to talk, but we were fine driving along appreciating the sunshiny day. Helped her out and put the Self Compassion book by Kristin Neff into her bag. It had been sitting on the car dashboard and I’d wondered who it was destined for.
Then since the car was due for repairs the next day and I was passing, I dropped it off and walked the 1.5 miles home with the dog. Happy as can be the two of us getting exercise, and me a bit exhausted…walking fast, heart rate up, nice n healthy. Bumped into a friend, my old hairdresser and met her some, now 5 years on, and we agreed to meet for a walk soon.
And back here nice and exercised and tired. Dog ate the half the chicken left and we relaxed. So good to be occupied during the day like that, I really noted that. To relax in 4.30 instead of 2 is much better. then the work related drama kicked off, and that took some conscious inner settling.
I did some of the AI generated art, using prompts including words like ‘rigpa’ ‘shambhala’ ‘angel’ and happy with the exploration of the ethereal results.
The dog greets me and I greet her back. I tell her that she is a 10/10 German Shepherd. I pat her nose and say 10/10 nose. To her eyes and tell her she has 10/10 eyes, then her cheeks, and ears, and chin and mouth and neck…paws back….and she loves being spoken to in this way. And I love to notice these 10/10 experiences that life continually provides.