Facing Reactivity

Bang bang bang…all that surrendering to love then back ‘in it’. Triggered on several fronts. Hello again reactivity.

It rained and poured all day long yesterday. I went to lay out plants in the rain in the morning across the other side of the city, saw how soaked through the men were already and sent them and the other team home. On full pay otherwise they would just stay out. I was triggered on that visit on noticing some bad workmanship that needs repaired. I pointed it out. I felt disappointed.

Managed a 15 minute walk up the river but neither the dog nor I really wanted to be out in it. Just too wet and windy and uncomfortable. The roads outside was closed due to flooding. Another one nearby flooded too, floods all over the city. So the rest of the day was indoors. I don’t know what to do these days indoors – this needs addressed.

All this beautiful dissolving of fears and ego boundaries recently evoked a big kick and I’m in that right now and was most of yesterday. Life comes along to test the resilience, and helps me see where I can surrender more.

A felt involuntary fear in response to the idea of joyfully celebrating what it is to be this person in this time. My inside are crunched up with it.

Breathing properly is a conscious effort, the body reflex is shallow breathing while experiencing anxiety. I took a risk (from the ego’s perspective) and I posted that love list on fb on my personal page and on a group spiritual development page.

It was a bit of a ‘coming out’. Revealing what I’m busy with on an intimate level openly. That was all good and felt like a victory for the truth over the self protective ego who prefers things to be hidden.

Later on I got a very angry ranty series of threatening texts from an old client, who contacts me when the place is flooding like this to complain about the drainage in his garden. I explain like I did before when he contacted me, that he took out the loose pebble drainage strip without consulting me during construction and if it’s reinstated it would drain. He sends me a video of his saturated garden in the rain. I suggest he could pay someone to install extra drains if he wants. He goes into critical mode as he is angry. And then I stop communicating with him. But I’m left feeling very triggered.

This is one of my major trigger points when someone is angry with me and expressing it, and threatening further action. I find it very very uncomfortable to be in the feelings of flight flight freeze that are evoked. I ruminate around it…..conversations in my head, I defend myself in my head. I rehearse conversations around it. It’s a train smash.

Even first thing this morning. It was hard to find enough space amid this fear this morning to say some of my positive self talk list. I did manage but I’m squeezed and contracted inside while I’m doing it. The feelings have been captured by fear already.

Self sabotage. Here I am raising my inner thermostat setting with all this beautiful love I’m showering on myself and all around, and in comes the self sabotage. Which wants to bring me back to the familiar territory of struggle and strife.

And upstairs, the noise from there has increased. Some disruption has happened in their lives with ill health and there’s health visitors, footfall traffic on the ceilings, loud voices, workmen clearing out dozens of bags of hoarded rubbish, furniture being moved about….and the actual sound proofing is so non existent I can hear them put the light switch on and off in the kitchen…the dog is even freaked out about it and tries to leave the room.

What a lesson for a person like me who has been trying to control noises around her all her life. No more putting off the inevitable facing of it. Here I find myself with a lovely family above me, an old couple and disabled son with severe mental health and now worsening health issues. This is a such an opportunity for me to surrender. I send them love and compassion.

Trauma is healed when we can allow ourselves to feel the painful feelings and regulate them in the midst of being triggered. This is how release takes place. And can be gradual as we feel safe enough to do this. I use Michael Singer’s audiobook for support while doing it often.

I look at the dog, what an example of how to be. She was so bored yesterday too, and she doesn’t complain. She just adjusts her expectations and accepts and does nothing. I have a strong sense that’s the next lesson. Truly doing nothing. No screen, nothing. Just be there. Preparing for that. Can do it outdoors, indoors I feel a resistance to it….I could have mediated all day yesterday yesterday. What would that be like?! Maybe that’s my next challenge.

Today it’s blue sky and the road is open again. Got 2 therapy clients this morning. I’m delighted to have that opportunity to be useful and helpful, to meet these beings on such an intimate level.

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