Encounter with Resistance

Thrilled to be noticing how integrated my self talk has become recently. There is barely anything other than positive affirmative inner chat going on now. It’s has become automatic when I wake in the night for example

I love you Susan

I support you

I respect you

I’m here with you…and so on, whatever comes to mind.

Last night I put my hand over the heart area as I did this, and it made it even more direct and powerful.

Something physical accompanying the words turns it into more of a felt real experience rather than just from the mind. And easily back off to sleep I went.

Yesterday walking around it’s the same. Randomly occurring self love phrases. I said the Gayatri too at times as I walked in the woods. If there’s a tendency to random mind wandering, I’d rather be saying something that states my intent to surrender. Or singing. I noticed there was a lot of singing out loud yesterday. The dog gets this one sung to her in the morning sometimes.

‘You and me, me and you

Lots and lots for us to do

Lots and lots for us to see

Me and you

You and me’

It’s so interesting seeing myself emerge like this, a lightness and joyfulness.

As this process has intensified, so the resistance appears. I have been binge watching Netflix the last few nights and noticing the extremely compulsive nature of the nail biting going on. I pretty much stopped biting my nails some years ago, and here this habit has returned.

Right when I’m busy intensely with surrendering to love. It’s no coincidence.

Resistance is very powerful when it comes from the unconscious like this. It’s not rational. And often unexpectedly manifests. It’s leaping out from behind the scenes and grabbing me.

I have been experiencing such a peace and sense of at ease these last weeks. Since I started doing this list of positive self talk particularly. That has changed everything for the better.

I’m happier, less afflicted by anxiety, less triggered by others, not so much internal dialogue and generally relaxed and content in my own skin. I feel more love for myself and for others. Willingness to go through the pain of being triggered for the sake of freedom is present.

This is a massive difference and this nervous system is not used to being this relaxed and happy. It’s still running on its old momentum when I go into automatic pilot/watch TV.

Maybe that’s the key – automatic pilot. Is that even appropriate now? What is automatic pilot anyway? An escape mode? It’s becoming not present. Losing oneself or attempting to, in binge watching TV shows, or one’s own internal dialogue of imagination.

Maybe the fact that I’m doing that recently more than usual is also a symptom of resistance to the new freedom. Yes. Makes sense. I’ve been wondering why I’m watching barely entertaining or engaging material for hours on end. Okay, it might be fairly high quality, like the Handmaid’s Tale. But I’m aware it’s vicious, ugly, vengeful, violent as well as displaying courage and acts of heroism. It doesn’t make me feel good. I actually suffer. It’s self harm actually.

Here I am enjoying the discovery of a lifetime. A precious jewel that has turned everything around and given me a fast track route to restoring my relationship with myself into a state of love.

It makes sense that the ‘regressive pull’ steps in to challenge this. Not to underestimate the resistance, I’m reminded here. The watching of TV for hours, and the nail biting which is probably a result of the stress I’m putting myself under watching that very unloving stuff.

This is someone who guards the contents of her social media feeds fiercely to keep negativity out. Who has become more and more sensitive to and put off by being around negativity, complaining and anger. I find myself not wanting to be around friends who do this.

And yet I’ve found myself drawn inexplicably towards watching some dramas that involve a lot of negativity. It’s interesting to observe!

This is what happens when we trigger the ‘upper limit problem’. My inner thermostat setting has been moving way above it’s normal position and recently quite a big jump. The self love talk I’ve been doing has taken me into consistently higher levels of love and peace inside.

Some of the old habits of the self protective ego come to try and regain the lost ground. They want me to go back somewhere familiar and so ‘safer’. Well, their idea of safety. Is what is known and familiar.

What I’m doing is taking myself way way out of the familiar into freedom. And this terrifies some inner part of me. Perhaps I can just talk to it and reassure it. These old defence mechanisms that arose at an early age to try and make me safe.

The self criticism as a result of trying to be more what I thought the parents/adults wanted so I could get more love and approval. These powerful reflexes happened at an early age.

‘Perhaps if I was more perfect they would be more loving’, the child’s mind concluded.

‘Maybe I’m doing something wrong and I’m not adequate as I am since they aren’t loving at times. Maybe I’m deficient and need to improve’.

So let me pay respect to those parts that tried their hardest to keep me safe. And say to them ‘thank you, I’ve got this now. You are safer than you’ve ever been, and maybe that new feeling of safety will take some getting used to, since it’s unfamiliar to you’.

Getting used to feeling safe. Well what a joyful challenge!

Talking of feeling safe….I was lying down in the field yesterday with the dog relaxing and grounding, when behind me I heard this loud munching noise. I turned round to see this young fellow was eating grass right next to me. Wow.

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