It’s pouring right now, windy and dark outside. Leaves flying off the trees. Inside it’s still and warm and cosy and well lit. So lovely. I’m feeling very deeply relaxed which is almost tinged with a slight bliss. A glow from within. A stability and expansiveness. I felt it yesterday too.
And on another level I’m having to talk to my nerves that seem alarmed by this, so I’m soothing them, by breathing deep down, allowing all feelings to arise as they wish to.
Some part wants to escalate into proper anxiety but this calmness is hard to argue with, it’s just here and all encompassing. So holding both states together creates a further sensation of tension on a subtle level.
I continue to breathe. Inside feels like an enormous cavern, clear and wide and unimpeded. There are few thoughts. Just ‘here’ ness. Sitting. Hearing. Feeling. Aliveness.
This morning in and out of a dream for what felt like hours. Do you ever get that sense of being a reluctant passenger on a dream story? Maybe I don’t exactly go along with or like/enjoy the storyline or who I’m with, but there’s no apparent choice, it’s just happening and taking me. It wasn’t awful, just very odd. I dont really understand the purpose of it. And that’s okay. Was such a lovely long sleep though, 8.5 hours, no complaints.
I’ve been pretty busy this week. Yesterday I saw 3 therapy clients. After the first 2 clients I met E for 2 or 3 hours of walking across fields through woods and mud, for lunch and good chat sharing in the park. We sat for ages on the hillside overlooking the field and river and highland cows grazing. Saw a couple of roe deer. It was a stunningly beautiful warm sunny autumn day too.
Then I went to see the men on the new project. Warm and thorough interaction. It was fun with the dog playing with M. Then shopping and back here for a 3rd therapy client. Quite tired. Noting for the future that I’m not at my best for people late afternoon, fresher in the mornings.
Today a little more time. Got one therapy client this morning. some business finance to do and client payments to arrange. plants to lay out in the afternoon in the finishing up garden.
Life is unfamiliar again. Every day or few days I’m in a different unfamiliar world completely nearly. I just need to relax with this changing. Surrender and keep on surrendering and resistance and fears that arise, and TRUST.
I don’t really have a God figure I talk to. It’s less defined than that, more a trust in the mechanics and manoeuvres of an intelligence I can’t fathom. That I’m also an intrinsic part of. The way it all unfolds perfectly. That’s what I’m learning to trust and surrender to.
Not my will but Thy Will it is. And the Thy Will is also My Will. They are one and the same. So I find and connect with My Will through letting go and silence and surrender consciously to Thy Will and I’m aligned. Kind of like that.
There’s a lot of very loud noise going on upstairs this morning and yesterday and I’m completely relaxed with it and not resisting it, and at the same time aware of the part of me that wants to or tries to object through habit. Workmen are clearing out their house. Bags and bags of rubbish being piled up outside. What an exquisite opportunity.