Imagination and Suffering

A visitation from emotional pain. Goodness gracious, what a level of suffering I went into yesterday. Succumbed to worries about my son who is having a hard time. I still feel it, though have had a lot of help and have let go a bit into greater acceptance and away from resistance. It’s just not sustainable, as a parent you have to let go to an extent.

I notice when anxiety is present, I’m not so present. A kind of withdrawal into thought happens, into a completely imaginary world that feels uncomfortable, a made up world.

I went over my positive self talk list. Inviting my Self to join the little scared self, and be there consciously for the part that fears.

It wasn’t a very hospitable environment though, and I struggled to make room for the Self. I was already quite full up with my concerns.

I persevered though, and dived deeply into a Course in Miracles too which went some considerable way to penetrate fully. I needed the hard truths and welcomed them. Asked for help a lot yesterday.

I drop into the bodily felt sensations of the pain and allow them to be felt fully. It’s uncomfortable, tight throat, squeezed feeling in chest. ‘Yes I hear you, you can be here. Have some more space to move around if you wish.’

Life was good despite the blockages and pain I brought yesterday. Everyday I experience levels of quality I appreciate immensely.

I had a productive session with a client in the morning. Then I went out to the beautiful woods. In the park I bumped into M, waved and said hello and he completely blanked me. Mildly disturbing though better than talking perhaps, I thought. Afterwards the walk was a little coloured by flickering thoughts and memories of the long history of that old association. There was some sadness, goodbyes. I struggled to get fully present.

I sat for a bit in the field and listen to the crows with the dog, and paused into the outside world. Then to the cafe for soup and a flapjack and a lemonade. Very peaceful. Such freedom I have almost every day to do nearly anything I want. Privileged life I have of luxury and ease, and much to be grateful for. ‘High class suffering’, Tsoknyi Rinpoche would call this type of suffering. Still, it was enough impetus to ask for help.

Back here for the rest of the day which was just an agony of feeling lost and leaning on wise teachings. Like Eckhart Tolle, I fell asleep to him and put him on first thing this morning.

‘There’s another way of looking at this’ was my mantra yesterday. It’s a lesson from a Course in Miracles that I’ve used often over the last 20 years. A way of opening myself when I don’t feel particularly open – a way of asking to be shown another way of perceiving when I have started inventing stressful scenes. ‘I could see peace instead of this’ comes in the next lesson. I didn’t get that far yesterday.

A good reply back this morning to my difficult extensive email reply to the clients unhappy extensive email. Seems to have satisfied and it’s resolved now and she paid up. That’s good. I had a little walk with the dog.

This morning I have 2 therapy clients.

And perhaps some plants to lay out this afternoon though I may put it off till tomorrow and go for a walk with E instead. I don’t know. See how these couple of clients changes the vibe of the day. Hard to plan much ahead nowadays.

I love you

I respect you

I care about you

I want the best for you

I appreciate you

I like you

I value you

I’m here for you

You are held

You are safe

I am here with you

You are lovable