Surrendering back into Love


Working away on my irritated reactiveness to noises, noticing that crucial tension point of decision….

….to ally myself with the grievance (that something is happening in my environment that I don’t like/shouldn’t be happening) that justifies the inner disturbing feelings and inflate them further with thoughts…..

….or to feel into and surrender and give up and give over the disturbing feeling response. And not indulge and add to it. I’m just going round this roundabout again and again till I get it. And that’s okay, this is the work.

And remembering I love myself. I respect and support myself. I’m here for myself. I’m kind to myself. I forgive myself completely.

Yesterday I had a walk with old friend P. Her complaining and anger rants are uncomfortable to be around. So far I stay with it and embrace, allow, and counter as appropriate. This time I told her as gently and kindly as possible. That it is poisonous to her and the listener to indulge such anger and hatred.

Then I visited the men with an updated plan, that was productive. Then to old friends, G & M’s for an unexpected and delicious veg soup lunch and a lovely chat. I then met the men and client on site for a walk around the next job starting on Monday till after Xmas. A little illusion of security in place! All good.

Back here for the usual tired and bored few hours of the afternoon. Especially late afternoons. I have all this time but so tired I don’t feel inclined to do anything productive or creative. I’m very aware of this slump in the afternoons and would like to do something about it.

Im also aware that I have to respect the inner energy levels and inner processes that might be using that up. I have no idea what is happening except that there’s a lot of inner transformation. The surrender experiment, the seeming ego back into love. Of seeming separation into unity. The restoration of truth. I’ve been reading a Course in Miracles this morning and last night. Wow that book is so uncompromising and restoring.

At 6pm it was time to go back out into nature. Parked up and went into the field by the river, down the lane and into the golf course. And a sit in front of the house watching the dark descend. It was deeply relaxing and beautiful. Dog and I very happy. Never seem to get tired or bored of this place. It’s endlessly changing and beautiful.

Speaking to my son this morning. He thinks he is depressed. I send the self love list and suggest he tries that out. I don’t know what else to say to him, other than be kind to yourself.

Say about yourself :

I love you

I respect you

I appreciate you

I like you

I value you

I’m here for you

You are held

You are not alone

You are lovable

I support you

I appreciate you

you are cared for

you are loved

I respect myself

I am worthy of love

I like myself

I’m grateful to myself

I love myself

I love you

I embrace you

I am lovable

I love myself

I appreciate you

I cherish you

My seat at dusk last night
Walkway back to the car
View from the bridge

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