Thank you

Looked after despite my fears, time and time again. I doubted and was starting to worry about the lack of a next project. I was even preparing for the worst and closing the company.

In the morning I finished a price for a design and sent it off to our one and only potential client. I was supposed to do it 10 days ago but covid got in the way, and I just decided to trust that it would be done at the right time.

Well she came back right away to say they would like to go ahead and happy with the price. Wow. An £85k project just like that. And work lined up till the after new year for the men now. Life is giving me so many many opportunities to eliminate doubt and trust and jump off the cliff once and for all. What will it take for me to trust 100%.

I know I will look back and see how pointless not trusting is.

I know it, I can most see me doing it now. Looking back and laughing perhaps affectionately at the fears that I allowed to hold me back.

To give myself over completely is the only real choice that makes sense.

So that brought some good cheer to the afternoon yesterday and still does at this moment. I don’t have to deal with any big work changes for a while yet and the men’s jobs are secure meanwhile. Thinking they need a pay rise due to this cost of living crisis.

There’s change in the air. Could be the autumn season, and me coming out of isolation too. Everything does feel different and it’s hard to define, something has definitely changed since I had covid. I’m spending more time just in being. In the basic state of being without much else happening. I don’t know what else to do. I’m slightly unnerved at times by it, this feels so different. I’m not feeling restless. But there’s all this wide open space. It feels huge.

I try to distract myself but hardly anything works. Not Facebook, or Twitter or the news or anything really. Nothing I want to buy on eBay or Amazon, don’t need a thing. It’s just me the dog and silence.

I listened to Eckhart Tolle for an hour in bed this morning, it was supportive in this space. I’ve been focusing on my breathing a lot recently, or maybe just noticing more since I feel so much more present.

I got the dog back yesterday and we went up the river. Beautiful day too, sunny after a week of downpours. Happy she is back. We had some fun chase games as we walked. She knows how to just be. She does a lot of it, I’m watching and learning.

Nothing I eat tastes good or anything like it should or used to. Taste and smell senses have come back, but altered again. Even tea, I’ve resorted to trying to get some comfort from that old familiar, but alas. It might as well be something I haven’t tried before. I’m just making myself eat things for the sake of my health. Like grapes and strawberries. Cucumber. My body is repulsed by meat. Tried some favourites sweets yesterday, not enjoyable at all.

I have a busy week ahead counselling wise, 10 clients. Happy about that. I look forward to having more head space now to focus on doing that well. I’m so glad to have that to do. An. What a gift to have the opportunity to help reduce the suffering of others. What a privilege.

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