I had been waking night after night this last week regularly feeling a sort of bliss physically, stretching out and celebrating the comfort and warmth of the bed. Every slight nuance of position was enjoyable.
Psychologically there’s a noticeable change today and yesterday, a slight anxiety and also a return of dreams. Edgy energy. The waking world felt unfriendly too in the night somehow. Kind of depressing for some reason. Nothing in particular, just a slight flavour of gloom. I read some news stories in the night too while awake and they impacted me a lot more emotionally. I suppose now that I’m not ill, the ‘luxury’ of the old imaginary future concerns are starting to arrive and fill the space.
I’m not feeling much physically now other than the absence of taste and smell. All week a storm has been raging outside and I’ve been cocooned indoors in the warmth. Been sending the men home early as they have been getting soaked. I’ve been grateful to have had the help of my mum looking after the dog and she brought shopping at the start. And been checking in with me, as has my sister, uncle and Steph and a couple of other friends.
The rush hour traffic is crawling slowly though flood water outside this morning, slow motion rush hour. It’s still raining and raining.
I have had over a week of next to no anxiety, actually very very few thoughts at all or variation of mood. And that was bliss. Constancy. I suppose the body was entirely focused on getting well.
Now I seem much more sensitive and prey to every passing stray thought suggesting this or that potentially threatening outcome to me. In the night I took to counting my breaths, and starting again when I got distracted. Got back to sleep at least. But it’s been a while since this nervous system has been aroused to anything like anxiety. It really is unpleasant.
Back to wondering what the men will do once this job has finished. I’m pricing a job just now and will submit it today or tomorrow. It’s a risky one, I’m pricing keenly to get. If not it could be game over. For now. At least I dont owe much. I feel afraid of change. And that’s natural after such a long time. I’m imagining having no staff to be responsible for, no clients expectations to manage, no suppliers. I don’t have enough therapy client right now to pay my expenses.
I have another day inside my cocoon today in this cosy flat which is so beautifully quiet. Appreciating that. I’ve been lying down every day for nearly 10 days now, what a strange existence. Went to for walk earlier. Getting the dog back tomorrow.
Learning to Rest with it All 